Musings

It's never the big denials of life that get me but the small ones that do. It's the moments that I ask something that is completely possible -- even if seemingly unreasonable -- and don't get them that bother me the most. It's probably because the thing I asked for is small. It's rare that I ask for much in the first place. Sometimes I will ask for large things -- money to do things, a ride to go to faraway places, compassion for a situation, a particular type of knowledge -- and those things are denied me from time to time. I understand those things completely. I really do and I roll with it. Then there are those other things -- dance with me, sing with me, do something fun or funny, watch a cartoon, take a walk, play a game, help with a small project -- that I don't understand why I'm denied them and that lack of understanding usually becomes either embittered determination or smoldering anger. Usually at that point, I withdraw for a while, believing that it would be best to stay to myself that to talk to another human being lest I give myself cause for jail time. I wish I could understand, but I fail to and probably will continue to. The fact that, most of the time, people tend to avoid giving any form of explanation (or even a clear answer in one or another) when I'm denied anything (large or small) doesn't help this issue of mine in the least; sometimes it's not even the why, but the how of the denial that generally makes me murderous. Not that they care; I'm sure they don't whatsoever because the issue/request seems small. This is funny because no one wants their issues, no matter what they are, to be treated as small and no one likes unanswered questions. I suppose I should stop caring about this particular one, especially since this is of the nature that it is, but I do. A lot. The funny part is, that I don't even want an explanation now. I don't want an answer (it was gotten secondhand in the first place). I don't want anything. It probably isn't helping that I'm up at one of the times that is the worst for thinking through these things even though my thoughts are amazingly clear. Why am I even bothering to write on the topic? The one person that will understand the context in this won't even care. Oh well. That's always the way, though: the people that don't have context care more than the people that have full context.