Clear Moments

We often hear about the idea of a moment of clarity, but rarely think about the weightiness of having that moment.

The impact of that moment tonight can hardly be overstated. I will share some of what I've found tonight.
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::: I spent tonight alone of my own choice and will probably choose this again at a future time.

::: I did not feel comfortable with being included because I didn't feel fully welcomed. That said, I could simply have gone on anyway and nothing negative would have happened. That said, whether due to pride or humility, I didn't include myself without that welcome.

::: I have a growing number of relationships that I allow to draft and decay because I no longer feel like putting forth the effort to rescue them. I no longer believe the effort is worthwhile even if simply for friendship's sake.

::: I am becoming a lot more comfortable with the idea that, in the pursuit of my passions, I will be alone.

::: I am becoming comfortable with the idea of moving ahead on my own - even in the face of my feelings to the contrary. It is as if I am being given strength to do that very thing.

::: I am more and more comfortable with planning for this person or that to fail me when I need them most. So much is this true, that it is now a subconscious process. These are my friends, by the way.
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I don't know what this may evolve into, but I am here now. Now I will lie here and wait. For what? More.