what the delay is for

We've all seen a movie or something (for example, Wanted) where someone has a humdrum life and suddenly feels the urge to escape it or has something that they want, like a relationship with a particular gal or guy and they pursue that relationship and eventually get the girl (for example, Norbit). We watch this for an hour and a half or two and we become discontent with our own lives; why can't we all have the lineage of superhuman assassins or the guts to ask the girl out. Time passes and we get antsy wondering how long we'll have to wait for the moment to come along that we can seize or we chase the moment, determined to seize it by force and we never stop to think (wow, that's a whole blog to itself, but going on)...

This delay could have a purpose.

I want you to keep that phrase in your head and let it sink in: this delay could have a purpose.

I can already feel your dendrites rising up in revolt, but I don't want to wait. I could imagine that would be the case, you've been waiting long enough, right?

Nah. Probably not.

What?

Nah. Probably not. I've learned that just when we think we are ready for something, we are the most unready. This seems to be especially true in the context of romantic relationships. Normally, at about this point in a blog, I realize that someone will tell me something that will make me doubt myself a little or at least ask questions and that usually makes me hesitant to keep reading...

Keep reading; you want this info.

In a relationship, the idea is to have two whole people. People that have an identity, sense of purpose and directions, goals, dreams, worldviews, idiosyncrasies, and so forth. We take all of that into a relationship and forge something where two people become one person representing one idea, one concept, one common destination and, from that point, one journey to complete. That is an amazing and wonderous thing. An awesome adventure to be lived and enjoyed.

But think about what that requires. The first thing it requires, at the bare minimum, is two people to know themselves; to be comfortable in their own skin. So let me ask you:

Do you know who you are? Are you comfortable with being you?

Most people can't answer the first question and answer negatively to the second question when they think it all the way through. Most people don't even know enough about themselves to have an opinion. They don't know what they want to do with any part of their lives at all. I'm not saying I have everything figured out; I don't. Not even close. However, I know what my favorite colors are, what food I like, what I want to do in a week, a month, or a year. Recently, even in the next five years.

How can you expect to be a relationship with someone if you don't even know you. It is hard to trust people you don't know and when you don't know yourself, there's no way I can conceive of to trust anyone else. Being comfortable and whole in myself allows me to be free in loving people in addition to avoiding other big pitfalls

This also avoids other more serious problems. The biggest one I see being the fear of being alone. Honestly, I can understand that. No one likes to be alone. Whether we like to admit it or not, no one wants to be alone at the moments that mean the most to them. Living, dying, or in between. However, there is a big problem with dating someone or seeking a relationship to avoid being alone or feeling alone.

Using another person to fill a void in your life causes a manifold problem. For one, it's not their job. Why would you ask someone to fill a void in your life at this point in your life when no one else has been able to for all the years previous?

But it's different.

No, not really. We are a mass of broken people in the end analysis and asking someone to make you whole when they are broken and trying to become whole is rather unfair at best and at worst, cruel.

There is also the added issue of abuse. I don't mean physical violence and I don't mean mental abuse. I mean things that aren't in their appropriate places; it's like going into a grocery store when you are hungry. Yeah, you will get food and maybe a lot of it, but you usually end up with things you don't need and can't use and probably wouldn't have even bought if you would have looked past base instincts and only gotten what you needed.

In a relationship, this becomes worse. You end up emotionally attached to a person in ways that are usually unhealthy and detrimental at best to both parties involved. These relationships burn people out emotionally (and even physically in some cases). They usually don't last longer than a month or two and then leaves two people even more broken that before because they have taken the broken pieces of themselves and given that piece to someone else only to have it lost.

And the beat goes on... unless...

Unless that time that we are single is adventure. And the time that we are single is for becoming whole. And the time we spend single is for maturing and growing and becoming stable and being the kind of person that can say, "I don't need you, but I love having you around and I want to be with you." That's a nice feeling. To not need someone to fill a massive void in your life and become intimate on a deeper level because both people know that they are wanted as a lover and not needed like some kind of drug.

Maybe, just maybe, there is something in this you can use. And if there is any truth in here that you can cling to, then now you know what the delay is for.