hill street blahs

I'm sitting here in front of the computer and thinking of a few things. Flotsam and jetsam in my mind, really. I'm not sure I'm even able to think correctly about some things. It's.... stressful to say the least.

I just found out that, in spite of the fact that I deposited two dollars to hold the account (which was in the negative) open, Athens First has closed my account. Now, I have nowhere to deposit the checks I get so I can at least attempt to get somewhere. This is ridiculous. Now what am I going to do?

Everytime I lift my head to see the sun, rain seems to be ready to meet me.

I talked to RM last night and I may as well have been talking to a wall of water. I think he was trying to come close, but again... You know, it's like he can't grasp the obvious. You have to spend time with people in order for them to... nevermind. I'm just a friend at his convenience. Why do I keep doing this stupid shit to myself?

The one thing I said was that it was time for me to find some reset buttons and push them. I really need to do that. I need to reset friendships, relationships, the way I spend my time with other people. I just need some decent resets on a lot of things. I'm going to cut things off and restart them. Period.

I don't want to be awake. I don't want to exist. B just told me that RM wanted to know my number for whatever reason. Like he'd need to use it. If he needs to reach me, he can start with walking down the hall and talking to me more often.

MR leaves tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Part of me is sad. Part of me feels nothing. Part of me feels a settled contentment. I like having him here, but I know he wishes for some kind of freedom that we don't offer here and I will be glad to have him find that happiness back home when he arrives. For now, it is good that we are here and have each other. After that, I will be content to know that he is happy somewhere with people he loves and that love him, too. It will be good for him to have this before his entry to the military.

Soon after, PE will be leaving for AZ to be with family and help them. Everyone is going on so many journeys. All of them away from me. I wasn't meant to keep them or hoard them. They have their ways to go and I mustn't block those paths.

Talking to Dani was pleasant this afternoon. She's so sweet. We've both changed so much and some of that in interesting ways. I wonder where that will go, but for now it's wonderful. That might be the only happiness I have other than seeing John on Sunday.

I have Mario back at me and talking. I must be the most attractive person ever for him to come at me as he does whenever he's feeling... randy. Honestly, it's flattering. Talking to him, I ponder the many questions I have about my sexuality. Honestly, I don't have any experience one way or another to back up any statement I might make about it. Because of that, at times, I start to wonder whether or not I am bisexual. From a logical standpoint, it would be a completely truthful statement to make. So would saying I was asexual. There are parts of the male form I like. For example, I like muscles. I just do. A lot, actually. Biceps, abs, lateral muscles, and so on. At the same time, on females, I enjoy their subtle and gentle curvature and the softness of their touch. To sum, the things that interest me in the male form are firm and hard and the things that I enjoy about the female form are gentle and soft.

That doesn't translate into arousal or romantic feelings, but it is something I admire and I have no problem with saying so. Other things that I like aren't gender specific at all... well, not really. It's more about how I feel about the person in particular than what gender they are. In general, I don't care what gender someone is, I like to hug, and talk, and read together, and take walks, and watch movies and even cuddle. None of that requires someone to be a female for me. On the other hand, when you ask me if I would do those things with anyone, there are those that I prefer more than others. For instance, using a word like "Dani" in asking who I would prefer to cuddle with and so on would spark pretty intense feelings. Hugging a guy in general doens't faze me, but hugging "John" specifically is rather special.

I think you get it.

I'm thinking about getting some soaking wet clothing and after being that wet, getting my camera out for pictures eight and nine. That idea interests me quite a bit. I think I know what picture ten will be. Again, there will be water involved. I'm going to make a downloadable zip that has the pictures without the words on it.

I also wonder about becoming a tease. Becoming a more primal and sexual creature. That amuses me. I could probably do a great deal of damage if I do it right. I really could be an incredibly horrible tease. Especially to guys.

All these things aside, I have six pack abs and massive biceps on my mind (among other things). I have a ton of pictures for inspiration and I finally got the money to set some things right for a while. I have a lot of things to look forward to and I look forward to those things. One goal at a time I guess.

I'm going to make it. That's all I can do... for now.