just so you know

I'll be honest with you. It's been hell without you. In the time that we've been apart, I've said that I haven't felt a lot of things. For the most part, I haven't. I had to learn to squash feelings because they were inappropriate to feel to someone that had moved on. I thought you had.

I really did.

Couldn't want you to be near me. Couldn't want you to hold me or work things out. I had forgone that. I wasn't ready. I was afraid. I was stubborn and stupid.

You know what, though. I hate talking about you and feeling like a little kid. Smiles that are both happy and painful all at once whenever I think of or imagine you. Lately in particular, feeling like I could **** you through a wall and then some. Past that thought, I could easily wind up in trouble. These aren't necessarily accompanied by overwhelming feelings for days, but those few moments are pretty difficult. I wish you were there during the moments that I can't sleep because... well, you can't know that, can you?

I want whatever is left. It could be friendship. That is what it has been, but most of the time, when I really think about it, I want more than that and I know I can't even give you half of it. I want to say "Well, fuck it...", but I don't happen to have my own apartment.

To be honest, now and then, I don't feel like holding out until I'm married. Here's the funny part: you're the only female to whom any of those thoughts apply. The only one in the whole world. I'm afraid to say those things because, like other things, I know it's wrong to do that and I don't want to hold something out in front of you that I can't give (yet...).

If I ever manage to marry you -- if that ever happens.... I'm going to hell for what I might do if I do even half of what I feel from time to time.