Talking to Q last night was nice. Much like old times. We fought with and wrestled each other and we hadn't done that in a while. Then we watched some things on youtube and went back to watch tv downstairs, then again to fighting a little bit.
We picked my younger brother up and then we talked for a while about a lot of things. I miss having him to spar with and talk to about things. We both just understand each other in a way that no one else really does. I was able to be very transparent with him in a way that other people don't handle well.
He said he wished I were happier. I could be, but that is a work in progress and a choice to be made (according to some). Some of it is just me needing to be a bit more selfish I guess. Selfishness is taught as a bad thing, but having none of it is draining. No time to yourself or for yourself and having nothing is often overlooked and/or taken advantage of. I suppose that's to be expected and I do expect it, but now and then, I think it would do me some good to just not care about other people as much and worry about myself a little more. I'm learning that.
Learning not to care when people don't want to talk to me or hang out with me or let me in on their plans and their lives...
It's hard - it really is - but I don't control people and I don't control life and I can't make people be close to me when they don't want to be.
I think about my friendships all the time. The thing I wonder most now about people in general is whether or not I am as close to them as either of us would like ot think we are. Honestly, I'm not sure. Yes, they are important to me and yes, it is important to me that I be friends with them and that in quality, but I have to be honest with myself. Honesty is admitting that my desire to be friends is not enough; they have to desire the same and to the same degree or there is only going to be pain in my heart in relation to them.
Truth be known, in some cases, I don't feel like it's the same. We aren't close anymore. It's not even being close in a different way, it's more like I've lost them and they are also lost to me. Gone. I'll never have them back again. Maybe it is just as well.
Nature's first green is gold. Her hardest hue to hold.
I suppose when it comes down to it:
So dawn goes down to day; nothing gold can stay.
Truly it cannot.
Then there is the matter of this request I just got "So can you pick this person up and bring them here so we can hang out and [fill in the blank]...?" I'm annoyed by this request when I've already made my plans for the day known, but what I want never seems to be in the minds of the people around me; just their desire and how I can either help or hinder its fruition and with that how they can get me to help or move out of their way.
It's a sad thing, but that's the reality in front of me. I guess I should just prepare myself for the worst and then jump.
Aside from that, I want to fight a lot and exercise, too. Can't get people to work with me, but maybe I don't need it after all. I'll just do what I do and whoever wants to be there can be there with me. Maybe I should just give up in the first place; why even try to hold on when I can't get someone to throw me a rope...?
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