castor

There was a name I gave to RM to represent the part of me that he connected to and that loved him more than anything else. His name was Castor. That out of my way, I post this email exchange between RM and myself which was the result of him making random side remarks as I was leaving to get food. The initial comment was, "You two are always going places." Let's read on.

instead of making random, half-sarcastic comments about things you don't like, you should either include yourself, let me know you wish to be included, or make a comment directly to me explaining what bothers you and suggesting another course of action.

summarily speaking, comments like "he's only downstairs because he's leaving..." annoy me; honestly, if you aren't going to suggest something else, then it is a waste of words. so is "you're always going somewhere..." if you want to spend time with me, why not let me know? at least, a comment like "hey, i'd like to hang out sometime..." or "do you have some free time today...?" wouldn't be ignored as much.

just a thought.

No response, so I called to him to ask if he wanted to come with me and SP to lunch. I even picked up his tab. Fine. Great. Wonderful. He wanted to go. He came. SP said I was a source of awkward tension. Honestly, being around RM makes me angry sometimes and I make no attempt to hide that irritation. SP and I spoke in japanese while RM and SP spoke in english at the table.
No, I didn't translate.

wow, you sure did that that badly, I was just commenting that ya'll seem to go places a good bit... I would like to hang out sometime, but you don't seem very welcoming lately, annoyed by many of my actions and most things I say, and have very strange mannerisms lately... not to mention the keys for the doors that went missing the morning after I mentioned discovering them all and then one of them reappearing after we said we needed it, yet you denied knowing anything about their whereabouts... why would something like that happen...? ~ I didn't say I didn't like you going places... having no idea where you're going and me wanting to eat something soon, I didn't ... just got back from the Waffle House, thanx... I wasn't going to invite myself to a place that required money, seeing as I don't have any... so I was going to eat something here... ~ awfully strange sit down... wish I knew japanese just now...
if you did know japanese, what would you do with it?

strange mannerisms like what (although kudos i guess on at least the idea that you would notice if they were)?

take what badly? all i have to go on here are words. side remarks, ill timed (and they usually are) usually cause these kinds of reactions... you know, like the ones you typically have when i'm sarcastic (we've been down this road before i believe and it didn't end well...

one of them reappeared because i found two. you can take that however you wish. for the record, it was on the floor in the hallway near my linen closet if you would like a precise location...

in any case, the door has been open most of the time you've been home today and probably will be for the remainder of the day. you can do whatever you would like with that information.

not wishing to invite yourself somewhere makes commenting even less necessary. oh well...

if you wanted to know japanese, you could always look it up, ask phil, possibly ask me, or just use the dictionary in the closet. if you wish to understand me otherwise, open your eyes and ears and learn.
well for starters I'd've understood 9/10s of what was said when we were eating... ~ and as for the rest of it... :( I'm tired of it...

You're tired of it? After all I have been through, these are the last words I want to hear from you. Most of the pain I've been through in the last few months revolves around you entirely. Entirely. I'm not blind and neither is anyone else... obviously excepting you. My response belied no emotion.

well, as you are tired of it, there is the option of ignoring it or talking and dealing with it. pick one. i like i surprises.

Don't bring nonsense in my face. You don't have any wins with me. We continue.

suprises? out of two options... I'm guessing you'd be surprised if I talked to you... ~ I've been wanting to fix what ever's going on between us for months now, but I don't really know what to do, I have no idea what has to change, because I don't know what the underlying thing is that has changed, all I notice are the bad things on the surface... I wish I could find out... it seems so hard to talk to you sometimes because you hardly ever talk simply, so it's hard for me to try to have a properly flowing, regular conversation with you at times. You seem to look at things soo personally and at times so very impersonally at the same time... it seems awkward...

Yes, it would. Why wouldn't it? You haven't been and then you make excuses for not doing anything about it when the fact is you didn't want to. I refuse to take the blame for the fact that you don't care enough about our friendship to try to fix things about it when you notice that they are broken. It is not my job to come to you and fix this every time. You see bad things on the surface and call yourself a friend, but ask no questions just to see how I am. You hardly get me to talk simply because you hardly talk to me. Of course I take things personally; you're saying things to me. How else would I take it?
Once again, this smacks of "I want things, but I don't know what I want and I'm not anywhere near being able to articulate it, so let me blame you for this somehow...
Fuck you.

:( *♥ castor*

Fuck that, too. You killed him. You neglected him. You threw him to the side and never came back for him, but then you expect to come back to some forgotten bend in the road and him be waiting on you? Fuck you. How dare you trample on someone that loved you like that? I wish we had our old friendship back. No you don't. You couldn't deal with me being open. Couldn't deal with me being emotional. Or crying. You couldn't understand this and that and the other and after you finally got rid of it, you want it back? Make up your mind.

i miss castor too. the only person i could say i miss more is pollux.

for the record, you can't know whether or not it is hard to have a conversation without trying.

things that you want to find out are easy to find out. the right questions have to be asked. as for having simple conversation, i'm surprised to hear that from the mouth of a person that shrouds most things in obscure movie and comic book references and/or sarcasm. in short, that comment is a bit unfair at best.

as for me taking things personally, how else do you expect me to take things that i experience as a person. if it is impersonal, you have something to say. if too person, you have something to say. i don't win in either case.... again...

as for underlying things that have changed, as i have said before, i want you to look and listen and -- most important -- if you want to talk, then actually talk. talk as in sound coming from your mouth forming meaningful words, phrases, sentences, matching your feelings and thoughts at the time in an accurate way that neither obscures nor hides anything, but puts everything on the table to be clearly seen. not silently watching me, not random comments made in passing, but actual conversation.

at one point, i was a lot easier to get this information from, but things changed because it was not handled well. bottom line. that's if you care for the explanation.

In short: you fucked up. You're paying the price now. The end.

as an aside for missing castor, i have to say i miss him more; he is somewhere alive inside of me trying to escape and i silence him day after day, hour after hour... here's the first admission of some of my more raw feelings:

you cannot fathom what i have done -- whom i have had to become -- in order to deal with silencing him... and yes, he fights me every day.

I have gone through hell trying to suppress a friendship that I didn't even know I had that level of feeling for or even could. For you to act like you have a right to it? Like I owe you? Fuck you.

good, I hope he wins soon... I miss him... :( I think he likes me more than u do...

I can't even put my feelings about this into words on this blog. I really can't. You want someone to win and you miss him, but you put no time at all into developing that bond with him. You want him to win a fight but won't help him. You are a fucking moron.

we've already had that talk. it has nothing to do with whether or not i like you -- we aren't two separate people but a person within a person. i care enough about him to protect him. if he didn't need to be protected, i wouldn't exist....

one day, you'll listen to me....

I tried to in that email, though... and that's not even the half of it.

protected from what?

From bitches. From people that neglect. From people that decide to drop people out of their lives because of the "new shiny thing". From people that have no regard for people that love them once they have a gf. In short, from your dumb ass.

who would i need to protect someone like him from?

That's right: I'm not answering that question. I can't believe you would ask me something that stupid.

in any case, i would pass him the message, but it would be better if you told him yourself... well, at least, it would be better if pollux told him. if you find him, let him know that and let him know castor's waiting on him.

That's as real as it gets. There is a part of RM that the Castor in me responds to. Until Pollux shows up, though, Castor won't be found. Period. Fuck that. When he was in danger, I didn't hesitate. I showed up to protect him. To hide him. To keep him away from harm. If he weren't in danger, I wouldn't have had to save him and watch out for him. Stop pretending to be ignorant so that you'll be the victim. I'll be damned if I give you that.