.....

I find myself amazed that every time we come to one of these points, it never occurs to anyone that something may have occurred that caused me to behave the way I am. I mean never. I'm always being dramatic, or mean, or bad, or there is a long list of things that I am totally unaware of that make the whole situation my fault every time this occurs.

I guess the fault on my end lies in keeping things to myself and hoping that you might gain the slightest bit of insight from simply observing the path we have taken to the present, but it never happens. No one ever looks at the path they tread -- we'll easily remember how it was everyone else's fault, how we felt, how it sounds and so on -- to figure out how we ended up wherever [here] is.

We'll badmouth people all the way down the road, but won't know how we got there. We'll say things like this:

Everything was a fight. Everything was a battle and if I spoke you'd get angry and if you'd speak I'd get defensive. Yes I've wondered if I made a mistake in not fighting longer. Yes I wondered if I gave up on that prophesy too soon. But if I'm truthful with myself then all the times I've been with you I've been left wondering "Does God hate me so much that He wants to keep me here. Or does he love me enough to give me someone that can love me the way I need to be loved."

Aside from the million questions that raises, the thing here is that this has nothing to do with how we ended up where we are. We can talk about all of these things and review all of these things and still leave with no idea with how we ended up where we are. Why? Because we look at what happened without looking at our own part in the journey.

My part in the journey? Not arguing. Not being physical enough. Not being enough of anything it seems. In some ways, I could have done things differently, but even when I did, it didn't matter. The [why] you already know. I'll never be any of the things that you want. I'm only who I am. I can grow, I can learn, but it will never be fast enough. In short, even if I am becoming who you would want me to be, I won't get in time and you can't be patient with me.

Friendship? We couldn't have it. This was something you said you didn't know how to do. Add to that the fact that I feel like a backup plan or just something to be considered if everything else fails and we have my feelings about it. I could do a lot of things and I could treat you like I treat everyone else, but that's not who we are; we are not like everyone else and I don't relate to everyone else on the same level. No one has done with (or to) me the things that you have. Not to mention that the random jumps from "hey we're friends" to "do you still love me?" are confusing. We've already talked about that. Not to mention the fact that you don't even act like everyone else. Even if we started with just being friends it would always spill over into a zone that we've already decided we aren't getting into. How many times has this happened? Every time we've decided to be friends.

We've talked about all of this, but in the end, you still can't seem to grasp how I feel about everything and why even if I tell you multiplied millions of times over. However, if you want to ask me, I'll tell you again...

*sigh*