I talked to EZPZ, but we went back and forth with misunderstandings which were described with words like awkward until we separated. Talking to Momo was its usual set of flips and turns contradictions, unwillingness to be concrete about thoughts or feelings, and so forth.
I sat downstairs with people last night and felt good to have them there, but at the same time, I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to go straight home from work, but I was driven across town before that happened without being told or warned or even being asked if I wanted to go anywhere. I was irritated. I just wanted to go home and lie down and sleep and that didn't happen until 7:30am.
Aside from that, I look at things I'm annoyed with. Risks not being taken. A friend of mine is determined to let his past limit him and I'm wondering why. Yeah, it sucks, and yes I admit that there are some things that the past teaches, but the past is just that: a teacher. Not a ruler.
Thinking about that makes me think about my views on my own past. Not that I have much of one on the surface, but there's a deepness to it. It's like a tidal wave that follows me around, crashing down on my head the moment I turn around to look at it. So many feelings and faces floating in front of me.
I've thought about the power it takes to give oneself permission to let the past be the past whether it is forgiveness of self or forgiveness of others. It is not a power we tap into often enough. It is so much easier to be defined by a past event or to say things like "If it weren't for what I went through, then I wouldn't be who I am..." than it is to wake up everyday and decide from that moment on to be whomever they chose to be.
Why is it so much easier to let past events form our future rather than present choices? It makes sense that our present choices and decisions should guide our future, but it's always the past that wins out for most of us. What sense does this make? It's like what Jesus said -- new wine breaks old wineskins....
I keep thinking about just dropping everything for a while and just getting away. It's better than hurting anyone or letting Erik have free roam.
Hey Synx,
ReplyDeleteThe past is often a hard recording to erase. Sometimes it keeps us captive because of the way it affected us when it happened. Sometimes it keeps us captive because we don't have the tools to learn from it. And sometimes, it keeps us captive simply because we like being its captive.
Sometimes the new is scary for people and they fear what they don't know. Sometimes that fear keeps people focused in the past.
I have some more to say, but I'll think about it more :-)
Synx!
ReplyDeleteI think you're overanalyzing things too much again.
We hold onto past events as a defense mechanism. It's easier than making changes in the now.
But at the same time, what's wrong with holding onto the past?
Should cherished memories be left at the wayside because they happened long ago? Sometimes you have to see where you've been before you can take steps towards a better future.
Just my humble opinion!
-Dean
@dean: I understand the point you are making. However, when I speak of the past, understand that I am talking the concept of the past in a negative sense. For instance, let's say in the past I had a bad experience with gay people in the past. I think that, at some point, if I met a person in the future that was a wonderful friend to me in every way and then he came out to me, that relationship shouldn't be destroyed because he came out. At that point, I should be willing to let the past go.
ReplyDeleteCherished memories should be cherished always. I have memories that I cherish and they are never forgotten, but they don't keep me from continuing to find something that may be better, either.
The past is something wonderful to hold, but it is not wonderful when it is holding you.
I also think you are going to say I overanalyze things a lot. That comes with the territory I suppose.