06 February 2010

ambient noise....

Maybe it's time for me to listen to you. I find myself so frustrated trying to figure things out with you and trying to sort things out so that our friendship will work until recently. However, as of late, I have noticed things that have given me reason to pause and consider. Maybe I am the only one that wants this to work. Maybe you feel differently than you did when we started and just followed those feelings without telling me, hoping that one day I would see what you consider to be obvious signs. Maybe you just don't know what to think...

Recently, I was talking to a friend that was frustrated with me. He didn't seem to understand what I was asking for when I said, "I want everyone to be okay with the fact that I want and need to be alone..." I say this because his response was, "Okay, fine. I get it. I miss you, but I'll leave you alone..."

I just shook my head. I didn't want that and I told him so. "I don't want to be left alone and I don't want to be forced to be with anyone. I simply need people to be okay with my choosing either way..."

Maybe I should be okay with the fact that you don't want to talk or be friends anymore. Maybe that isn't how you feel, but what I must do is learn to be okay with it all. Not seeing you, not talking to you, not having the same quality of conversation when we do talk, the fact that I honestly feel like you are looking for a reason to say "I don't want to be your friend anymore..."

...which you don't need. You came into this friendship a free person and you are free to leave it in the same manner without fear. If I'm lucky, maybe you'll get the courage to tell me goodbye even if you don't give me a reason...

I regret not having meant more, but maybe that isn't a regret I should carry.

2 comments:

  1. Hmmm.....

    I think you have to take responsibility for this too, Synx.

    When you told your friend you need time alone, why would you then get upset when he said he'll leave you alone?

    Mean what you say or be more clear.

    Friendship isn't about just give and take. It's also about communication and that requires both sides.

    This sounds like a simple misunderstanding blown out of proportion.

    -Dean

    ReplyDelete
  2. 1. i meant what i said and i was misunderstood in spite of what was said. this would have been a lot easier to notice if you were in my kitchen.

    2. isn't communication part of the whole give and take thing anyway?

    3. it always sounds like that.

    ReplyDelete