Things That Tire

It's just that we're both tired. Maybe even grating each other's nerves. In the time that I've known you, it seems that my more intense and emotional reactions to [insert thing here] have made you weary and therefore wary of any sign of them. Each one is headed off with a "here we go..." or "good grief..." or maybe just a long mental sigh as you mentally prepare yourself to deal with all of it for umpteenth million time only to find that I say something that makes a little sense and has less of a dramatic outcome than you thought.

I suppose I can understand that; you're as tired of dealing with my perceived overreactions. I feel the same way about arguing with you in a general sense. It's draining; we don't speak for some time and then when we do, there is always an onset of some form of conflict, each time involving an issue of written communication that is easily solved in about 20 minutes once we get past being initially defensive and trying to listen to each other which usually involves me pleading my own case about my perceptions and trying to make you understand that I'm not overreacting, but that when the data is considered, my commentary/decision makes logical sense as a next step.

In the meantime, what you don't see is that my emotions are being dulled in a lot of places. You don't see the oncoming shutdown. You don't see how I am because you're more used to how I was. You expect me to be emotional when honestly, these days I don't have the energy for it anymore. I may again one day, but not now. It's a change that happened in the shadow, between the batting of your eyelashes at the moment you weren't looking and it's caught you unawares.

Some days, I honestly wonder if you think it is even worth the effort to look at each interaction we have as a new opportunity to gain information about my current state instead of reacting as if I'm the person you saw last year/month/week or even yesterday.

From what I can see, you don't. That's a normal thing. A human thing. I get it...

...but I'm not him anymore and I hope you recognize that.

This may have deeper consequences than you realize.

When you are at the end of your energy, you try to find ways to spend a little less so you can last a little longer and when I have to take the little I have left to love with and use it to argue instead of love, it's hard on both of us. You see that, right?

I hope so. For the sake of many things, I really hope so.

I love you and these thoughts of mine are tiring.