I wanted to say sad, but it's not sad. Rather, sad isn't an accurate word because it isn't the only word. It's been a very long few weeks of negative thoughts on replay. I was, at one point, very nervous about writing them and then I re-thought that; the point of this is to express my honest feelings. Even if I am thankful for all of the readers I've gotten over the time I've written, I'm not writing for all of you.
I thought about Polli lately. He's in the area pretty often these days due to his newer lady friend. She's quirky and sassy, but nice. The way she behaves and says things can be a bit of a shock, but not off-putting, in its directness. That said, my thoughts were a bit on the jealous side. Normally, when I ask if he could come this way, there are issues/concerns/etc -- gas/homework/job search/other things to attend to -- and I've normally had no problem with this. On the other hand, with his being in the area more frequently, I wonder if I should. I'm almost sure that all of the things that were going on before are still in place now, but he manages to be on this side of town anyway. I suppose things have their heart priorities and stuff -- and mind you, he asks if we can hang out and such whenever he does come out this way. At the same time, that's gone from like once every two or three weeks to once every two or three days. Recently, we've not said much one to the other. I suppose I could attribute that to simple life busyness and not any actual problems, but it's something I've been a little down about.
Recently, I've been talking to the guys about website stuff and communication and developing ourselves and I really believe in that. Since I took a month off from taking on projects, I tried to sort things out and keep us all cohesive by giving everyone a small design challenge; a 1-3 page design piece. I gave them a week to do it. Here's my design. It's taken so long; some people haven't finished their challenge yet. I just wanted people to dig in and let their creative sides shine out a bit more. Then we could compare notes and see where we are. It's like no one cares really, even though we all agreed to it. I've tried to get people to work on projects, teach each other things. Nothing. I get almost no traction. I've heard that it's a lack of time, but I wonder if it's just a lack of importance or urgency or priority. This shouldn't be the first priority, but it should be one. This is connected to the loneliness I run into sometimes. I just look around and realize that, no matter where I turn, I'm still "alone". I put this in quotes, because it isn't truth, but feeling against which I struggle. I struggle to live as a person pursuing their passions, to do the work required for those things to take flight and to experience community in the process. Having someone by my side for these shouldn't be something I have to beg someone to do when, at the start, I asked if this was an adventure that people wished to take with me. I shouldn't have to beg for companions when my current ones expressed over and over that this was something to which they wanted to commit and I don't want to. Especially when I ask so often if this is something they still want to do or if they wish to move on. I do this as often as I do in order to leave room for dignity. For humility. For a parting on a work-level and leaving all else intact. The thing is, at this point, it's becoming personal because I feel like I'm being -- at best -- brushed aside or -- at worst -- lied to. Neither of those options are agreeable to me. Still, I make the calendar items and hope people respond to them. What else can I do? I keep moving forward and hope that this sorts itself out. I've said as much as one can reasonably expect anyone to say to an adult without screaming and pleading.
I find that I'm more distrustful of people than I give myself credit for. It's no wonder I don't like people asking me random questions about my goings and doings without clear cause. I actually had this conversation with someone because they asked me about my feelings. Neverminding the details for now, the idea that someone just asks me questions like this with no selfish motive is still a foreign concept to me; all I can see is someone waiting for an opening to tell me about themselves, or gathering information to use later in some way I don't want, or trying to get me to soften so they can ask me for something else. The fact that this is what happens most times makes the initial suspicions that much worse. Mind you, this isn't everyone at all times, but it's most people at most times. It seems it will have to remain there for me to struggle with; it's my thorn if you will.
It's frustration to be in such a state as to start thinking badly of people, be proven right, try to hope against it, be proven wrong, give up on thinking well and think worse, and repeat this whole cycle and even worse when some of those are people that you call friends or roommates or co-workers.
This is tiring.
Have you ever just wanted to just stop everything you're doing and cry for a while? This is that day. I want to drop everything and shed a few tears, but I don't have time for that right now and even if I did, who would be here for that? I can't think of much more than one and that's sad because of the amount of people that I call friends in their varying nuances, levels and special secrets. Mind you, this is just negativity speaking -- I'll feel better soon and none of this will matter as much since it will be back in proportion, but it's hard to fight this all on my own every single day for an indeterminate procession of eternities (that's how it feels).
*holds you*
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