Notes and Updates

It's been a while since I've started getting back into the whole online thing. Before I start diving into my thoughts about so many things, let me start with this thought: I am blessed and thankful. I have a job I love, a home to come to, people that I love and by whom I am loved. I get their emails and letters and I'm thankful for these things. Very much so.

It was strange this week. I had a convo with someone I've not spoken to in a very long time now. It was nice, but weird at the same time.

I'm still hashing out what to do with my time. I don't always want to do what I should do with my time and I sometimes want to do things I know I shouldn't. It's difficult to keep those things in order sometimes. Net time, reading, cleaning, scheduling, replying to letters and emails, work, side work; so many things to think about and that's the fluff stuff. Beneath that is the layer of things in my life that are very urgent, but not demanding -- health, faith, relationships. I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't narrow some of these things down again. It's been a long process of narrowing things down, but I need to do it and continue to do it.

Oh, about my minimalism thing: still doing it. It's still me. So much me. I continue to pare down things more by the day and I don't miss them when I do.

I've been spending more time with ZER★ lately and that feels good. We've been watching Torchwood and anime. I finally finished Mushi-shi in spite of Phillip's initial mocking comment that I'd fall asleep before I finished. Things between he and I are rough lately. For the last few days, he's been snappish with me for no good reason. I only have so much patience for that to start with and a lot less than I did even a year ago. The last time he snapped at me it was over a game we were playing. He asked me a question about it. I answered as best I could, but forgot a detail. I can understand saying "You didn't answer the question I asked" or even the possible frustration at the time, but the way he snapped... I lost it (albeit silently). I finished the game and went for a walk to cool my head. In the meantime of that, Polli somehow thought I was mad at him and not Phillip which I discovered after texting him for a time before I got home.

I'm so sensitive to everything this week and I'm trying my hardest not to explode with rage. Most of this comes across in my sudden, rather intense need to just be left alone and not have to talk to anyone. I don't know what to make of all of this. It's bad, I'm sure. On a similar note, Phillip finally did apologize last night before he and the guys went to movies. I just nodded. I don't know if I can forgive him yet. I know I should, but it's not in me. I don't know where to draw the line between, "Fine. You shouldn't have done this, but whatever" and "No. No matter how I feel, this must not ever happen again". That's the thing: this can't happen again. I can't think of how to communicate that and forgiveness at the same time. So I'm choosing to not throw it in his face, but not to be too friendly either. Things are broken in a way that I don't think we can put back the way it was. I don't want it to be that way again. I want something else. I don't want to just end the friendship -- boy am I thinking about it -- but I don't want him to think that what he did is ever going to be okay to do in the future. That I really will lose it and he will lose me, too.

This is just one of the few things on my mind right now. Another is an email from Mary Beth. I wish she could see how amazing she is and how beautiful life is in spite of the fact that it's so irreparably broken. Both things will take time, but she only has so much. She has to wake up and see these things, but that revelation can't be forced on anyone. I don't know what to do, but I pray for her.

I got a letter from John and Anna. It's full of good things and interesting questions. I'm excited about replying to that.

I suppose, on a lot of levels, for all of my struggles, I realize that the truth is life is beautiful and there's a lot of it to enjoy.

I'm not looking forward to dealing with rent this week, but I already have the words in my mouth for this. This will either make or break things and I'm positive that it won't be something that people won't like, but if they don't, they can always move. I'm fine with living alone.