The Struggle

It was just a comment, but it's something I've given subtle warning to in one way or another all week: I'm on edge. I don't think people understand just what this means. Yes, I can laugh. Yes, I can smile. Yes, I can have civil conversation. At the same time, I just shouldn't be pushed.

In particular this week, I've been especially edgy about the way people say things whether to or even around me. Maybe it's just me and I need to not be around a lot of people. I don't know anymore. It's going to eventually cause problems and I'm going to have to be a bit of an ass in order to have peace of mind. Not that I want that -- I don't -- but I'm running out of options.

So, last night, we were sitting at the desk. Polli playing MTG, I doing a prelim sketch for a design thing I'll be working on later. Phillip was in the room with me. I heard a tone go off. This is the same tone I've been exposed to for the last five days: a quick, short whistle. Only Polli's phone has this as Phillip has opted for normal tones on his iPhone. That whistle is familiar to me as is every other tone and even the caller at this point, on Polli's phone.

When I hear the tone, I comment to Polli that he has a text and that, from the sound, it's in Phillip's room. He replies in a way that set my nerves on edge. The statement was a simple, "That's not my phone. My phone's not even in Phillip's room." The words aren't the problem here. The problem was the terseness in which it was said. Maybe I should just avoid speaking to people while they are in the middle of playing games. Maybe I'm oversensitive, but it seemed very harsh to me. As if I couldn't have been saying anything more ridiculous in the world at the time. How could his phone be anywhere but in his possession and least of all in Phillip's room? I was clearly in error. Severe error. I should stop talking immediately or say something that made sense. No effort was made to even attempt to humor me by checking; it was that ridiculous a thought.

I sighed and said nothing.

Shortly before bed, Polli looks for his phone to check something and notices that his phone isn't nearby. Not in, on, around, or under the chair. Not in his pocket. Not under or on the desk. Nowhere to be found at all. I immediately remember my last observation and walk into Phillip's room, asking if the phone on his desk was his phone. He says no, it's his phone. I ask him to check, so he does and finds that it is, in fact, Polli's phone on his desk.

By this point, Polli has walked up behind me and I hand him the phone. He says nothing at all to address the earlier point of "That wasn't my phone..." or "My phone isn't in Phillip's room" or even "Oh, my bad. Sorry about what I said earlier..." or anything. He goes his way. I swallow every urge to say, "I told you so. I told you it was in there and you responded to me like I was retarded, but here it is. Lying on his desk. Just sitting there. Now what are you going to say? Nothing? Just walk off like you didn't say what you said earlier? Right..." and just sit back down at the desk. I wander into some nearby space and just fall asleep there shortly after and this and other thoughts continue to torment me until I fall into fitful sleep for a few hours.

What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to handle these situations? Why do people seem to be so unaware of the way they say things to people and how they come across? Do I (and should I) choose to believe the best and think, "Maybe he didn't mean for it to come out the way it did?" or should I lean toward my more "realistic" thought of, "He meant it the way it came out and he's a jerk for that even if only for that moment?" In the end, I suppose I would rather just talk to him calmly about it when my feelings aren't on edge so I can address things calmly, establish understanding, and repair things with a hug or a laugh or a cartoon or something.

I don't want to feel as I do now even though it is a far cry better than last night. I really don't want to feel like I should just walk away from everything and everyone but my job and my training.