So Much To...

At the moment of this writing, I sit here, listening to music from the Stuyvesants. James is at work. Morgan is watching Justice League. This after a particularly frustrating game of League.

I have a number of things I could be doing right now:

• Editing the ERP
• Editing to the pipeline on gdocs
• Freelance client work
• Website design plans for my new site
• Watching Arrow
• Playing Kingdom Hearts

...but tonight I choose to sit here and write under a low-lit lamp. About what? So many different things. I don't even have the capacity to name all of them at this point. They simply are. There's a number of ways I could go about talking about all of these things, but as usual, I think freeform is best. At this point, I'm simply letting the content of mind flow out smoothly and easily, just like this music in my ear.

I sit here, looking over an imaginary and metaphorical landscape. I survey the land below. The landscape has changed here. Very much so. Mostly in the area of my relationships. Although I didn't think it so intensely possible, my relationship with Morgan is strained... on good days. I think this thing with Rachel was the last straw. Especially after thinking through things like this and this. It has been a very difficult couple of months and in spite of our attempts in individual and, honestly, insignificant ways to be reconciled to each other, we don't seem to be willing to do enough to make any real effort to fix anything except to note that things are, in fact, broken. The thing is we both know they are. Deeply so. So we just sit here, passing days in the exact same manner:

• Wake up
• Possibly hug each other before leaving for work
• Work
• Come hone
• Play games/talk to friends online/social media for all of the hours before bed
• Go to sleep
• Repeat

In between these, we question each other. He wonders why things aren't well. I explain. He doesn't want to deal with my explaining because my explaining takes hours, is very emotional and very confrontational. I want to dig things up. This is because the spacing between us being able to connect on a meaningful level is, as of late, multiple weeks at a time. Often before more than a sentence is spoken among us in many cases.

Lately, he's been angry about this. I'm on the downslope of that anger because I had tried to point it out before and was told that this is simply the way things would be for a while. I've now become so accustomed to this, that I can sit here and watch him without being bothered by this. Why should I be? Well, we've been close friends (these are Morgan's words) for the last four years and change. At one point, I cried because I had to be separated from him for a weekend. Now, if I don't speak to him for weeks, I barely notice. More than anything, I feel tired. Sad from time to time. Not much more lately. His attempts to connect or converse seems odd to me. I understand English, but I don't understand the why. It feels like an unusually happy stranger trying to talk to me while I'm on my way to work.

This is what four years gets you. I can understand why people are afraid to love. I really can.

Things between James and I aren't always much better. He's so caught up with the things he stresses about that it causes major mood swings. He normally speaks in sarcasm, but does not enjoy being on the receiving end of it, so my talking to him in sarcastic tones usually devolves into our not speaking for a day or two. Again, more than anything here, I feel tired.

That's a thing lately, I'm just tired. I miss my friends from 2001. I miss having real conversations with people that appreciate me in the same way I appreciate them.

In a lot of ways, I wonder if this is a matter of being barely across the threshhold of my 30s. I am thinking more often that, although I always wanted to live with my friends in my youth if it might be better to live alone for a while or maybe a lot longer. I don't know.

Everything seems to be pointing to the fact that I will need to leave many things because the situations there are stagnating. Then again, I could just be rambling. I'll stop rambling now and ramble a bit more tomorrow.