even so....

My current facebook status says this:

I will not give in even if it dangles the very thing I want in front of me. I will not believe another lie.

Tonight, RM came in and sat down and started to watch videos with me. Mind you, they just glitched up and we couldn't finish even one episode of what we were trying to watch. Also, mind you that we were delayed an hour because B was here and he was occupied with her.

Okay. Whatever. As I said before:

Surprise is rarely afforded us in the same abundance as pure disappointment.

I unpacked and checked things online and simply started watching heroes, then smallville. I'm now watching Nabari no Ou.

Before watching the final thing, he tried to talk to me. I just listened and commented on this thing and that, but I wasn't even here. Then he hugged me. Half of a hug as he normally does. I hesitated, then returned the hug and finally simply stood up. He prepared to leave. I just looked at him and he didn't move.

Finally, I walked over to the closet and pulled out a sword. We talked about them for a while. Then about an incident that happened while I was away once. Mind you, I already knew, but I let him talk. After a while of that and other comments, I started to feel something as he spoke. I remembered who we were and slipped on an armband I had in the closet. I remembered, but I willed myself not to react on what I recalled.

I really wanted to just hug him like I used to at one point, but I simply stood there and watched him talk. I heard him, but I wasn't listening. He asked if I was free tomorrow night, but I told him that I would be gone that night instead. He doesn't know it will be much longer than that, but whatever.

I want to care for him and love him and be a friend to the best of my ability, but I can't until he learns. I can't give a gift to someone that can't even understand what I'm offering them. I can't allow myself to let those things go... not in the sense that I could just do what I did before like nothing happened. Things have changed and some of those changes need to be corrected and the only way to get what I want is to move on.

So I move on. I do what I'm doing and I ignore, downplay and otherwise put aside everything else that's in my way. That's you right now. I'm sorry, but things aren't healed. Not yet. It says a powerful lot that I still want to even try after all that has happened... but this resolve will not waver. I do not forgive you.