It's just one thing after another tonight...
Today was such a good day, too.... shameful...
I've sat here for a while now contemplating some things and I'll just spill them out.
I've always had the idea that you were reading. I changed the address for a couple of days and soon after you followed suit. I decided, after taking time to have this inaccessible to you that it would also inconvenience those I had also given this address. In the end, I weighed everything out and decided it was worth leaving this place with the URL it has. That, of course, gives you access to thoughts, feelings, other things in the recesses of my mind. I guess all I can say is: enjoy.
It is something else, really. We meet someone and they are wonderful people, yes, but affection doesn't always translate into romantic relationships. Hugs don't make someone marriage material. Every understanding and caring person isn't the one. Relationships in general often have blurry lines between where one type ends and the other begins.
It really is regrettable that you feel that way. I made who I was very clear. I didn't misrepresent anything at all. I don't want you to be in pain, but I cannot control your feelings either. I can only continue being who I am and being here for you and I will be and I will continue to be.
I don't know what to make of that request. Not at all. I cannot fathom where a request like that could arise from. Previous history included. I think that there are reasons, but the reasons are being hidden from me. If it is obvious, then it is only obvious to you. I have no way to make that any clearer. I really don't.
This night is just as cloudy as my mind considering the events of the day. I need a break. Maybe a hug. Seems that lives today are better without me in them. Yours in particular. I really wonder if your life would be better without me in it.
I don't recall the changing of addresses being days apart...well maybe I just didn't notice since I didn't have internet access everyday. Me changing mine had nothing to do with yours. In fact I'm not even sure if I did the same thing as you or not. I changed the name of mine and a few days later deleted it altogether. I just wanted to erase it and I had every intention to stay out of yours. There was a problem with that, for some reason Firefox still pulls the link up when I open a new tab and it's there staring me in the face and curiosity eats away at me. I'm a stalker, I thought we had established that. Please tell me how to lose all access to it and I will and then I won't have to worry about resisting temptation.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, if you haven't found it yet I did reinstate my blog...maybe you can find it through my profile or something when you click on my name. I'm not sure. I deleted all my old posts and started fresh. There's nothing really there at the moment and the only reason I started it again is because Michelle seems to be tired of reading my negative stuff on facebook and I figured she's probably not the only one so I came back here.
I'm not sure why my question and our conversation hurt you so much but if you want to tell me then I'll listen. I'm sorry I hurt you again.
ReplyDeleteIt hurts that you would think to keep this blog from me and not from others but I can't blame you and you have every right to share your thoughts with this person or that person at your discretion so I will use this as practice for me not taking things so personal or just trying to care a little less. I might fail at that but that's my cross.
I want you to find love. I want you to find someone to marry. I want you to be happy. I know I've failed to make you such. Maybe it was never my job, I'm not sure. I guess I expect that you will find that before me. Let's face it you're better with people than I am and certainly more lovable and more loving and you seem to have come open to the idea of marrying another woman if I'm out of the picture. The timing of your openness and my feelings that you will find true romantic love before me contributed to me asking those questions. It's going to hurt when you find someone and I know that. Why will it hurt? Because I waited for you longer and never fully had you. It's not your fault it just wasn't meant to be but the fact is that I'm probably always going to want you until the day I find that love for myself. It's going to hurt being still in my state of longing for you and seeing you gravitate towards someone else because I'm going to want to hang on but you will be quickly pulled from my grasp. That doesn't mean I'm going to try to stop you or that I want you to even show concern that it's hurting me, I was just hoping that I could get a "I think I might see possibilities in another person and we are getting pretty close romantically" rather than an "I've been seeing this person for quite some time now and it's getting serious". The first has less of a poached egg effect. Still it's your decision and you have your rights. I just figured I'd ask rather than keeping silent about what I wanted. Asking for what I want is a good thing as long as I understand you aren't obligated to oblige. I do understand that.
I'd be better for having you in my life but I haven't figured out how to completely let you in. We're supposed to be working on that, you teaching me how to be a friend...your friend. Once I learn to let my guard down and not be so defensive and sensitive and just listen then you'll have more access and you can share your wisdom and I'll be better for it. It's just going to take more time than I've had since our last major chat.
Again I'm sorry I hurt you....again.