soul of revenge

I walked down the road today with RM and CL and with every passing step, the cool apathy I portrayed on the surface melted into raw anger. CL asked if I was sad, but I said I wasn't. I didn't lie, but I wasn't completely truthful. I felt sadness, but I wasn't sad...

...I was furious. Just angry. I couldn't stop. It only got worse when I walked out to the street and dogs started to bark. Instinct would naturally move me away from a more territorial dog because I understand them and don't wish to disturb them. Today, however, it took every ounce of control I had not to yell "Do. Not. Challenge. Me." at each and every one of them.

As I walked, my hands started to close into fists. I realized this and opened them only to have them close again. I don't know what to do about this. I'm still feeling the effects, but the emotions are slowly draining away since I am by myself.

Mixed feelings continue to express themselves. I knew this would come. Now you want to care, but I don't want it anymore. I can't... won't let myself trust it and end up going through this again. I don't even want to deal with it, yet you keep trying to reach me (mind you in a clumsy and awkward way) when I've already accepted what things are. Of all the times to pick this road, you pick this time to mend things. I warned you that I wouldn't always be there to come back to if you kept leaving...

...but I want to be able to get some kind of resolution. I don't want to hate you, I just want to let go of whatever friendship we have remaining; what good do the symbols do when we don't live by them? I just want either a complete mending or a clean break. Maybe it is asking too much of Mercy itself to have either. Why did I/do I continue to do this to myself? Maybe because I won't talk...

... but it was too late for words and I had/have said everything I am going to say about this. Now what do I do? I can't deal with this. I need to disappear. Leave everything and everyone. I can't deal with the fact that every time you talk to me I turn into stone. The only emotion I feel for you now is some bad combination of sadness and anger and frustration. I hate you and I love you and I hate myself for loving you anyway.

This isn't fair. I don't want this.

Add to this my other thoughts about the way things are going with CB and this becomes a ton worse. I never know what will happen or how things will be from day to day. I hate the fact that when I commit, I commit and I always commit sooner than everyone else in the universe...

I wish someone would hug me. I'm hiding for a while. Text me if you want to find me.