honesty

How much more honest can I be? This is the question on my mind. When I ask a question, do I hide my true intentions? I understand the need to be discreet, but that's not the same as being dishonest.

What about when I ask questions with unnecessary words? For instance: "I want to hang out with you, if you're not doing anything and feel like hanging out with me and..." I mean, all these different disclaimers and buffers for rejection... Our hesitation to simply put ourselves out there and see what happens. We say we don't want people to feel pressured, but to be honest, I don't think the cause is that noble. In truth, what I see are people giving themselves emotional padding by saying those things so that when someone doesn't want to hang out with them, they don't get hurt.

I see, in our unnecessary words, that we are trying to hide ourselves from pain. I understand that to a point, but I've spent so much time lately having to tell even my closest friends "Don't worry about all of that, just speak your mind...." or "Of course I am going to be honest, why wouldn't I be?"

What has happened to us? I know, I see, but I don't understand. Everyone has their own way they got there, but I just want to get out of this and into more simplicity. This starts with not lying about things like "I'm not interested in dating you, but being friends works..." on the first or second meetup as opposed to dating someone for six months, allowing them to invest mentally, emotionally, financially, then deciding that you can't force yourself to love them no matter how hard you tried to let them grow on you over time...

Or lying to yourself about what sexual orientation you have or even the fact that you aren't sure about it or working at a job you hate when you don't have to (if you have to, i feel you). Not giving time or a label to people that aren't your friends. My sisters have these. They're called associates. These are what they call "hi - bye" relationships. No. I can't do all that. If you're my friend, then you are and if not then you are not and I'm not going to pretend for anyone about that.

It's so many things. Pretending to like things you don't like (not that you can't expand or broaden or try new things, but scatting?) or just doing other assorted things to be accepted and appear cool...

Let me ask: how on earth is anyone going to be able to know if they are truly loved or can be truly loved if they never allow people to see who they really are? How can I? I'm sure the people that love me love me because I choose and put energy into always being myself no matter what the backlash is.

Does anyone understand where I am coming from with all of this?