the hike and after

Ignored Morgan at first, but decided to go to hiking. So started my day. There were things like texting and such before that, but I just went back to bed. At the time Morgan sent the message, I was home and he could've walked down the hall. Whatever.

Talked to Levone and Beth, then got dressed. Took my camera and extra batteries and sat downstairs, wordless. Eventually, Bud and Lisa show up and the journey starts. We stop at a restaurant and get food. Lisa buys. We continue.

Brett calls to ask me something but becomes concerned with the way I sound. We talk until I lose signal. I will talk to him another time.

Lisa buys boiled peanuts. I don't want to eat them. Morgan says it because I'm from new York and a northerner wouldn't eat them. I decline to speak on the matter and play a game instead. People comment on my lack of speech. I say nothing.

We get to the park. It is raining as I thought it might. Lisa brought ponchos. The trip continues.

We begin. We descend 624 steps. I brought a camera, so I take pictures. Morgan is afraid of heights and it is raining. I contain my amusement as he timidly descends.

We reach a suspension bridge. Bud and Lisa jump on it. I take pictures, suppress fear, and walk to the next spot. I descend 224 steps, take pictures, the climb the sane stairs. It takes more energy than I thought but I don't stop until I finish.

I wait for the others, then continue to climb another 341 steps. There us a dog on the way. He is afraid to descend the stairs. I talk to it's owners and continue to the top of those steps.

We take a round-about route to three more overlook spots. I take more pictures. Many of them are scenic. They will put on display. Bud and Lisa try to get me to smile. Morgan touches me. I say, "I might have to kill you." I was only half joking. I do nit wish to be touched. We take pictures together. Everyone asks if I am well. I answer, "I'm ok..."

We take a couple of unmarked trails. I find my way easily. We get to an open area. I replay a song on my iPod.

We pass a bridge. I think about jumping three times. I think about jumping in front of passing cars. I need to get my mind elsewhere. Soon, I am off the bridge. Why do I want to die? I don't know.

We take trails and Bud explains factoids about rivers in the area. He is interesting and full of knowledge. I listen to his stories as my iPod plays at a lowered volume in the background.

The walk continues. I am mostly silent and display virtually no emotion. We return to the starting point. We eat a small snack and get in the truck.

In the midst of all of this, I find myself at a loss to explain the level of empty apathy I feel about all of this. I feel nothing. At all. Minusing those suicidal thoughts. I start to process, but I don't care enough to continue going in depth. I ponder sleeping on the way home. DC Talk plays and I blog.