Maybe I'm tired.
It's been a good run, but only people in Isaiah run without getting tired. Maybe I'm frustrated, but I'm not without limits to my patience. Maybe there's so much going on that I've decided to tune it out just to save myself. This wouldn't surprise me, either. I've heard that you have to do that a lot as you get older in order to survive -- sacrifice and tune things out. Maybe that's it.
I keep thinking about Donovan. James hates him. Everything about him. To the nth degree. He talked about it for hours. I can't blame him, either. I don't like him very much, either. We have a relationship that generally consists of him talking to me when he needs something major or pays me for rent and utilities. I don't mind this relationship at all. I still dislike this person. Maybe it's less that I don't like him; if it were a different time or I were a different person, then maybe I would like him very much and we would be good friends. As it stands, I am not a different person and in the present time. I dislike how he treats women. I dislike how he has sex with everyone he comes in contact with (excepting maybe one right now). I dislike the fact that he pretends so much to be other than he is. He says he is trying to improve himself, but spends his entire day in front of the tv (when not in class.... when was the last time he went...?). He drinks too much. He's generally a jerk when a girl is involved. He makes too many assumptions about who and what people are. He's too afraid to accept things outside of his scope of reference, but insists on labeling every little thing. He says he's an open person, but spends all of his time in his room with the door closed. He tries to just run all over people for no reason and acts like he is offended when that doesn't happen. He's messy and doesn't clean. I can't think of anything positive he has contributed to the house in the entire time he's been there. Not for me for sure. Maybe for a couple of people here and there, but nothing serious and then he had to be paid back every time (note: i borrow nothing from him. ever....). I could go on, but I don't care to. I worry for his son. I worry for his wife (yes, he's legally married). I wonder about this thing with the engaged girl he refuses to leave alone (apparently the sex is wonderful, but um... she's engaged.... HELLO!!!!). I am one that has always believed in relationship boundaries, although lately I've been wondering about where certain lines are. I recently remembered that it's better to just leaves the lines alone altogether and walk in wide open spaces. Bye bye lines.
It's troublesome stuff.
God and I are. I don't know what to say about our relationship. I only know enough to know two things: (1) the core of what I believe and the experiences that extend from the truth I understand and (2) that God's idea of what makes and breaks our relationship and mine are very different. He's very much more intent on loving me than I can take in. That's a good thing, but I don't know what to do with it. It's hard to accept it all without starting to feel like I can do no wrong. At the same time, I know better than that. I won't be stupid with it, but I have been known to be stupid in general from time to time. Oh well, I'm human and He's God and He likes me. Okay, I get it. ♥
I wonder about some of my relationships. I wonder about Rickey. I haven't heard from him as much since he moved and I really miss him. I know it's inconvenient for him to be out here, but I really, really miss him. Morgan and I are confusing at best and that makes me thankful that I am not stringent on relationships having unchanging modes. Some days we are so close, others he's like a total stranger to me. He probably feels passionately about our friendship; he would feel it if I were gone, but he's so passive about approaching it at all and I am simply too tired to care anymore. I love him as I'm able to and from there I say and feel nothing more about it. I guess that's all I can do. I think I've finally come to the same line of thinking about the relationship between myself and Baranda as she has; I've stopped caring.... almost. I mean, I'm sure she's a great person and such, but it's just tiring trying to be buddy-buddy when she doesn't care, so I've decided to just deal with whatever we get. When she wants to talk or hang out, we do. We enjoy and laugh and eat and joke and when that moment is over, I continue as usual without even the briefest hesitation. This works somehow. We get along in general a lot better and she doesn't feel as uncomfortable around me. Maybe I should re-friend her on FB.
Mario is an idiot if he thinks I'm going to friend him on FB. Not in a million years. He tried to start drama on a wall post with some seriously inappropriate stuff, so I deleted the post. Then he re-posted some other nonsense, so I dropped him from FB and MSN. Now, months later after I unblocked him, we talk now and then. Neverminding the other convo topics, he keeps asking me to add him on FB so he can see my statuses and such. My consistent answer is: no. I forgive him, but I'm not stupid. Mistakes should be made as few times as possible. He can talk to me on MSN and ask what is on my mind, but he will never know where this journal is and I am not adding him on FB, period and point-blank.
I like my job, but some days I wonder where it is all going. I have the job and the cash, but I still want more. Not money, but just more out of my life. I want to travel. I want to meet people. I want to talk to people in japanese. Right now, I'm a content developer. I have a hard time working when I am bored. I fall asleep during meeting no matter how important they are if I can't find a way to engage myself. This doesn't help anything. Is this the job for me? For now, yes. I guess that works. In spite of my minor doubts, the job is good, the pay is good, my immediate co-workers are awesome people and we have a good product to share with the world. I just hope that is enough.
I think about sex more often. I think I can safely say now that I get horny now and then -- for a while, the feeling was difficult to classify, but I think I've gotten a good grasp on what to call it. This is somewhat irritating, but interesting. I'm curious to a point. Vive l'adventure!
I like my iPhone, but when I didn't have it for a while, I didn't miss it. I'm not missing a lot of small things. I have books and clothes I wanna give away, too. I want things to be smaller. Take less space. Then fill that space, minimize, fill, minimize, lather-rinse-maim... erm, repeat...
I'm listening to a song I like. I like old music. This one is "Computer Love" by Zapp & Roger. I have so many songs to find and retrieve. I miss my old music. I really do.
I need to come up with a better plan for my friends to succeed. I want them to have the things they want and to enjoy themselves. I have to find a way to make this happen for the people nearest to me. Why can't I be Oprah?
I need to get back to work and do this documentation. That reminds me of yesterday. I spent like two weeks on this script for a product demo, then they did a DRASTIC update which basically put me back on square one ON THE DAY I WAS SCHEDULED TO DO A RUN-THRU. Disaster is hardly the word, but everyone said I did a pretty good job considering. On my list to do:
- comparison between current script and new features
- review with Alessio on those notes
- new script for other product
This is in addition to:
- GCC website dev
- Sanquan website dev
- Working out (this has been a slow week for that)
- Art
- Reading
Most of the bottom list will be interrupted by the fact I have AWA coming this weekend.
Oh yeah, my mom. I really might as well fill out the paperwork. I seem to be her source and supply lately. I gave her 350 for insurance. She asked for another 250 for something with her car (I told her to talk to me in two weeks). I love helping, but I have a budget. At least I can help some now. I don't mind most of the time, but sometimes I wish I didn't have to help anyone. Oh well, as we like to say "you are blessed to be a blessing", so blah.
I miss Reza a lot right now. Every time we talk... *sigh* It's just a nearly overwhelming amount of love. We bring out the best in each other (and sometimes the worst in terms of jealousy). I really want to see him. We are going to have a lot of fun together. I can't wait to go to Cali and see him. I want to go next month. There are so many people I miss. Like AB. He's so far away. Maybe that will happen next year. Like so many other things I have in mind. Anyone know the price of a plane ticket to Japan?
I really do think too much, but honestly, this entry isn't that long.
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