Open Lid

So yesterday, I took a couple of hours and posted some statuses related to things that I had thought about over the last two weeks. These were small sections of thought; a larger section, to say the least, would have been too much...

...or so I thought. It sees that the smaller one was just as intense. That said, I think I'm going to have a small fireside chat with all of you about this stuff. Sit down, settle in.

First, to those of you who are wondering: yes I am a Christian. I am still a Christian after that. I will be a Christian tomorrow and the next day in spite of whatever meaning(s) positive or negative that carries. I could say a bit about, but that is something for another day.

I had a conversation with a friend, Edy (♥), last night and he was like "Hey, dude. You're still reppin' Christ, so try to chill a bit. I know you're kinda ill and stuff, I'm just sayin'..." Please take note of this reaction, because I think it is one of the more appropriately worded. Things like yesterday point to a lot of things, but let's not make a mistake here: I didn't drop off the map as Christian and this certainly didn't take God by surprise. The fact is that, I am also human. Allow me to repeat that: I am also human. Messed up and broken (but getting better) just like the rest of us - Christians included.

Not perfect, not trying.

Continuing past that point, I don't often have these moments. I'm actually VERY filtered most of the time. Mostly because of things you find in 2 Cor. 10:5, Ps. 34:13, aside from my own personal preferences. I take a long time and chew on almost everything I say before it comes out of my mouth. Most of the time, I try to form the thoughts - even my darkest ones - into something that is positive or constructive or comforting.

Yesterday, for just an hour or two, I didn't do that. I didn't think. I didn't process. I didn't try to reshape anything. I just spoke my mind, as it was, for about 15 statuses. 15 out of hundreds, maybe thousands. All of those things came from things that happened in the last couple of weeks. 10 days out of my life.

I can see how some of you were startled, shocked, or upset, but this is the stuff that I walk around with and don't talk about except between myself, my journal and God. This is the stuff that people go "What's wrong?" and I say "I'll be alright...". This is the stuff that's simmering when someone says "How r u?" and I say "I'm ok. How are you?" This is the stuff that's floating around, unaddressed and festering because I'm too busy going, "Are you okay? What's wrong? Oh no.... Can I help? Okay, here's what we can do. I'm here if you need me. I'm praying for you..." to give proper attention to my own feelings (and yes, I do go and pray about those things and call back and see how things went and all that). This is the stuff I don't really address...

And this is why these things go unaddressed. I don't say anything because I am practically convinced that most people don't want to know this info about me. They don't want to see this side expressed. Especially in that strong a manner... and with good reason. No one really knows how to handle all of this. It's like I'm another person (I'm not although the idea of having an inner hollow has crossed my mind).

Now that said, I had a talk with Edy (<3) and he shared his thoughts with me about all of this and it made sense. He and I connect well. As for the others of you that are concerned, maybe you should be. I did ask for prayer and all, but at the same time, understand that no matter what happens or even what happens to me, God is faithful. He started this thing with me and He will see it completed regardless (Phil. 1:6). That's His word, so I guess we can rely on that. No matter where I am or go, life, circumstances or even my uncanny knack to mess things up will never be bigger than His ability to keep me within reach (John 10:28-29).

Before you ask: Yes, I do believe all of these things.

Now, I went to the shop yesterday, bought a new filter, put it in and replaced the lid. This may happen again, but for your sake it probably won't just for your sake (Rom. 14:13b -- that means the second sentence). In any case, you know a little bit of the things that I don't verbalize. That was the point - I want someone to know these things. I want to be transparent. I want to be open and all of that isn't nice, neat and organized. It's downright fierce in here (HADOKEN)!!! There are two things I value above all else in my faith: love and honesty. They will always be the first and most important things to me. Even more than what you will think after I post crazy things or even write this note.