i don't want to know: reza

Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I got to see Reza and his family (albeit very briefly) and we watched the movie from his dad's wedding. It was fun times watching and remembering everything.

Actually, the adventure just getting there was hilarious; work kept me late, then when we did get there, Reza had gone somewhere. Asking his directions, I took them and ended up being almost 30 minutes out of the way, so we just regrouped back at his dad's house.

Brett and I got there first. Reza tried to ninja us, but failed and miserably. It was funny and cute even...

Anyway, not long after we got there, the subject of Maria came up. Maria is Reza's girlfriend. He really loves her and he misses her a lot right now. They used to date, broke up, and got back together. He normally doesn't do that sort of thing (getting back together with ex-girlfriends), so I imagine she's special. He showed me a picture. She's pretty. He said her lips were soft. He's excited about getting married to her one day. He wants me to come to the wedding.....

The sad thing about this is that I want to be happy for him and exuberant about it, but with him, I will never be able to allow myself that. Ever.

A few months ago, he was dating a girl. Her name was Ashley. She was cool and nerdy and into japanese and all this. He wanted us to get to know each other and become friends, so that's what I did. I exchanged phone info and FB info. Not a problem. They were happy, I was happy for them, the friendship grew. It was good... until they broke up. Now, because I'm a person that makes my own connections with people, I am still friends with some people even though they don't necessarily exist as a couple (like Alia and Devon or Jon and Pat) because I developed relationships with each of them as a person and left that relationship intact.

To be clear: I'm not one to stop being friends with people because they don't date.

Anyway, when they broke up, as per my normal, I kept talking to Ashley. Reza was bothered by this. This became very depressing for him and he started to feel like people didn't care about or respect him because they were talking to her.

Sorry, but in the middle of my writing, I had a small convo with someone and this came up:



It came to the point that I went to call him and during the convo, he flat out said that I had taken his feelings and threw them in the trash. All over this one girl. I thought about our friendship and decided I wanted to keep it, so I let my friendship with Ashley fade away, but I called him back and explained, in very clear, that if he met another girl after that, that I didn't want to know her name or anything else about her and I didn't want to meet her. Ever.

He said other things like "Well it was just this once..." or "Well, it's because she was like..." but I know him and most guys in general: this won't be the last time that happens. If he likes a girl and I develop that friendship with her, the moment something goes wrong, it will be treated as if I hate him if I continue to speak to her, even if only in a cursory way.

That hurts. It hurts that, although he swears that he isn't trying to be manipulative or controlling (and he isn't) that he would tell me -- someone that he says with his own mouth he considers to be family -- that I threw his feelings in the trash and I didn't care about how he felt. Logic be damned ("I get that you and her aren't talking, but she and I don't have a problem and you haven't said that she did anything bad to you, so I don't understand why you're upset..." "I shouldn't have to explain...." "...."), that's just how I was supposed to be.

Since that day, I can't allow myself to feel anything at all except for some mildly pleasant feelings and most of that is politeness. I am happy that he's happy, but I can't be fully happy about that. I can't be fully happy that he's dating. I can't be fully happy when he gets engaged. I can't be fully happy when he gets married. The reason I can't be fully happy is because I feel like I can't be a part of that area in his life at all; it would leave me open to hurt that I do not feel is worthwhile. Mind you, some kinds of pain in friendship are worthwhile, but not this one. Not ever. I said those words to him and I meant them: never again.

Never again.
Never.
Again.

It took all of myself control last night to avoid saying, "I don't want to hear about her. We talked about this. I don't want to know. I don't want to be at your wedding because God forbid you get a divorce. I can't do this..." Instead, I smiled politely and looked at the pictures and made a couple of perfunctory remarks and passed the phone to someone else.

*sigh* It sucks that this even happened... that is ever happened.