Thoughts

My strength isn't non-existent. It is well-hidden. I don't want to be considered weak but the only sure way to communicate strength to some people is experience. Does that mean I have to wield strength more aggressively in order to make it clear that I'm not weak? I don't know. I don't want to become the person that feels an unending need to prove his strength to everyone, but at the same time -- and at odds to the former -- I want other warrior spirits to recognize the unique warrior spirit I also possess. Just because I don't fight doesn't mean I can't or I won't and although I don't fight often I don't lose when I do and while i am very respectful to all, I am intimidated by none. Maybe it's the more manly part of me -- I want to be seen as strong by those who are also strong. Not to be superior. Equality is plenty for me.


I'm discovering new depths of things both good and bad in me. It's visceral. It's primal. I'm glad it is there because it is okay to have some of that. I hear a roar in my ears when I allow it to guide my decisions and quite frankly that excites me. I think this year will be one of doing things I haven't imagined doing before and I look forward to it.


Joe and I are okay. It's the rough edges of learning a person and, while he was upset, he believes in the honesty of my heart. I'm glad as it overflows for him. At the same time, the emotions were off the charts. I was just as bad as the one time I thought Polli didn't want to be friends anymore. It was rough. Very much so. So much gloom and malaise. Accelerated heart rate. Can't focus. Loss of appetite. I hate being in conflict with those I love; you guys are meant to fight by my side not on the other side.


Having my emotions completely shot for a while made working out so easy it was dumb.


I'm so confused about how to handle my emotions. Just when I was so close to giving them more space, I have to rein them back in. I almost disappeared completely today and changed my name...


...and I missed Polli. Fuck....