We try to hard to be grown-ups. Bury the emotions, do our work, pay our bills, have a social life. None of this emotional nonsense. Especially the men. We have things to do. We need to have our heads on straight. Being a sobbing mess on your desk is not called for, helpful or needed. Neither are your stupid giddy bits of laughter over this and that. You should have some sense. It's just life. Things happen. You get hurt. Get over it already and stop crying about it. Dust it off. It doesn't matter. Move on already...
It was coming, though. I just sat at the desk and I cried for a while. Because things were lost. Because things were gained. Because I'm not alone. Because I'm discovering new and beautiful things and people and it isn't fair to them if I hide all of who I am because I got hurt showing it to someone else before. It's the beginning. The first tears of a man that has seen sunlight for the first time in many years. The releasing of an emotional creature that I have long kept locked up.
I felt all of my feelings today. All of them. Welling up and rolling like so many waves. I felt them and then I looked around for someone to hold, to hug, to just understand. I battled with the old lie that continues to plague me: you're alone. No one cares.
At that time, I saw your face. I felt your arms around me. You whispered and the tears came harder. I have the strength to fight the lie and I gain it from just loving you and learning to let you love me back. I'm thankful for you and I want to express that with my words, but tears come instead. I hope that you can understand my tears.
I'm trying to go back. To remember when it was okay for me to be openly emotional without a moment's hesitation or fear. You help me more than you know.
I reached out a bit, but no responses really. Miranda sent me a message, though. That was good. I think I'm done crying for now. I wish it were for a while, but I think this is the beginning of many days of this...
...and hopefully, that's ok. I need it to be.
It was coming, though. I just sat at the desk and I cried for a while. Because things were lost. Because things were gained. Because I'm not alone. Because I'm discovering new and beautiful things and people and it isn't fair to them if I hide all of who I am because I got hurt showing it to someone else before. It's the beginning. The first tears of a man that has seen sunlight for the first time in many years. The releasing of an emotional creature that I have long kept locked up.
I felt all of my feelings today. All of them. Welling up and rolling like so many waves. I felt them and then I looked around for someone to hold, to hug, to just understand. I battled with the old lie that continues to plague me: you're alone. No one cares.
At that time, I saw your face. I felt your arms around me. You whispered and the tears came harder. I have the strength to fight the lie and I gain it from just loving you and learning to let you love me back. I'm thankful for you and I want to express that with my words, but tears come instead. I hope that you can understand my tears.
I'm trying to go back. To remember when it was okay for me to be openly emotional without a moment's hesitation or fear. You help me more than you know.
I reached out a bit, but no responses really. Miranda sent me a message, though. That was good. I think I'm done crying for now. I wish it were for a while, but I think this is the beginning of many days of this...
...and hopefully, that's ok. I need it to be.
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