I never have been. That ends up causing a unique form of friction between myself and others. The fact of the matter is, there are parts of my personality that are very intense and I have resolved to be as much of me as I can be and that at all times.
That said, I think reading back through my journal should tell you a lot about who I am. That is as it should be. I warn people. I explain things. There are all the signs and signals that anyone could ask for and yet, in the end, it's always the same: you're so _____ all the time...
What did you expect me to be?
Less?
Obviously less.
Well, not less, but less of that.
It's a common thing that you feel that way. It's the path of my life, but that my life. I've never really liked the normal types of conversations and small talk because people hide there. Mind you, I can talk about anything. I really could and it's easy to, but I want to know what makes your heart beat. What makes you smile. What makes you get out of bed when you really would rather give up.
More than that, I want to be there to walk to you through all of it.
Sometimes, just being there is enough, and I have no problem with just being in the same room with someone and laughing at life as it happens while we eat a cheeseburger and play video games. It's part of what makes people comfortable around me... and equally uncomfortable I suppose; I'm able to tread where angels fear without a thought.
In short, I'm not normal.
I'm not afraid of talking about subjects or thoughts or emotions no matter the depth or shallowness and I'll happily dive from one to the other in a moment. It's just a function of who I am; I am made for hearts.
Not eyes.
Not ears.
But hearts.
Sometimes, that's a wonderful thing when it's needed. When it's not needed, though, I suppose I can be a bit much. My mind always run, my heart always beats. It's not the life I chose to live, but it's a life I choose not to modify. This is my 10 -- my "Hell Yeah!" life. Part of it, anyway. There are other things. My interests, my habits, physical things I want to do, spiritual territory to explore, knowledge I want to obtain and the trip I'm making to get some good coffee later today, but in the end it comes to the point that I'm just not a normal guy.
At one point in my life, I used to hate that about myself. Hate it. Hated that I liked what I liked and thought what I thought and felt what I felt. I wanted to be anything and anyone but me sometimes, but a couple of years ago, that changed and that continues to change and with every step I enjoy being me more. I enjoy this.
It will cost me a lot. I suppose that, ultimately, I will have a journey on a road covers with all manner of exquisite types of beauty that I will have to enjoy in motion; I would love to keep them -- all or any of them -- but I can't. I love, but I'm not married or dating (right now, anyway). I sing, but I'm not in a choir. I play, but don't have a piano. I dance, but no one hears the tune. Such is my life.
The sad thing is that, as much as I want to, I can't wait for people to accept or understand; you're either coming along and taking it as it comes or you're not. I don't come in chooseable parts. No one does.
That said, I'll just continue to live as I live and refine myself and love others along the way.
Now I understand the "hellyeah" tag on many of your blogs. Did I mention before how much like Jesus you remind me :) I'm so glad you are the way you are! I wouldn't want you any other way. Jesus was like that to. I'm thankful for such a role model as you! Keep being you. I hate small talk too.
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