Bereavement

It started with waking up. Or rather, before then.

It was an idyllic moment. I held you in my arms and I took you in as fully as I could. It was a late afternoon. The scene was beautiful and breathtaking and endless. I drank in every detail; your smile, the wind playing about in your hair, we laughed and tumbled a little in a patch of grass near a tree. It felt like hours. I could feel the warmth of the day -- of you -- on my skin. I couldn't have imagined a happier moment if I tried. The one I wanted most to be with was with me and we were enjoying each other. Not doing any particular thing, but just being present in that moment together. It was perfect.

Then I woke up.

It is dark and rather early -- right at about 6:30 am -- and, most importantly, not there. Not with you. It wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that this thing I saw is outside of my grasp and it could never be inside of that grasp no matter how far out I attempt to reach. In some ways, I'm almost sure it would be forbidden me even if it weren't.

The hard part of it all is having to relive all of those feelings as if it were the first time.

All of them.

It drains all of my strength. It's so random a turn and only hours before work with no other thing to occupy me so early in the morning. Why did this even happen? I'll spare myself digging through the related questions tonight; this, as it is, is almost the limit of what I can handle in that respect.


I spent the day doing everything I could think of in order to just focus through the feeling; I don't want to fight or ignore it, but I have to function. I have to work. QA has to get done, I have projects that have tasks that have deadlines that have paperwork. I play a song or two and there you are again. That same idyllic figure. Gosh this hurts. I don't want to deal with this right now, but what other time is there. So I try to manage.

I got a lot of things done while fighting wave after wave of desire to collapse into a sobbing heap at my desk and this goes on for seven or so hours. I finish two QA projects and a book I started yesterday; it took me over three weeks to finish this book and it had less pages.

I play the games. I try not to be angry even though people are working my nerves and things around me seem to be all manner of madness.

I'm still at the edge of the urge to weep. I feel bereaved, but it's something I never had. What do I do with feelings like this.