Yes I Said This

Feel free to quote and if you're offended by this image that took me all of ten or so minutes to make, skip this entry. Today is not a warm or fuzzy entry.

Today, I thought about a few things. I thought about what I want to accomplish. I have small, reasonable goals. Things I want to and should be able to accomplish in a relatively short time period.

• restore my savings account. I had $1500 and now I have none and it disappeared in a months' time. Not even for myself, but for someone else. Several someone else's. This is because I put other people's needs before my financial goals.
• reduce my expenses. I thought maybe eating in more might be good and I've recently committed to a dietary goal. The problem with this is that I need to be able to buy the food for this to work. As it stands, I cannot. This is because I put other people's needs before the things I wanted to spend money on.

I thought of a ton of other things I wanted to get into and see and do and all of this is being hindered by monetary issues. All of it.

To top this off, I can't seem to count on anyone for even the smallest of things no matter what they are. They require no expense most times. Here's an example: Yesterday, I asked one of the guys to change the cat litter. Their utterly clueless response was "I scoop the litter every day". I explained that they can't scoop up pee and we aren't using litter that clumps around liquid. Today, I came in, knowing without even asking that it wasn't done. Why? Why is it that I can walk in and expect things that I clearly state to not be done?

I threw out the old litter, washed each box with soap and water, and put in new litter. Happy cats. Yay for them.

Meanwhile, this person, that has been home for at least eight hours, could not take one of those hours -- all of which he was downstairs and no more than 40 yards (if that) from the litter boxes -- to change them.

What.

The.

Actual.

Fuck.

I sit here thinking about the text I sent to Polli -- which, to his defense he didn't receive -- and how I was asking for a ride home. No response (like I said, he didn't get the message, but I didn't know that until after I got home).

I thought about this week:

• Electric bill due. 
• No pay until Monday. 
• Trying to figure out how to keep my game account from lapsing.

All of this would leave with about... oh... $10. Ten. Fucking. Dollars. Until Monday. If you are looking at today's calendar, it is Monday right now. That means I have a week to get through without money and the bus is $3.20/day. Over five days, that's $16. That means I also don't have enough money to ride the bus to work and back. Thank God it's summer. I can walk home in the evenings I suppose.

So I have a possible video game lapse, possibly not being able to catch the bus this week, a bunch of other side things I shouldn't even have to ask about, really. Oh wait, that's right, I also have to think about food. Oh wait, I don't have money to get food. I don't have food at the house because I don't eat at home. I gave that money to someone else bc, once again, I was thinking of someone else and put them before myself.

Why do I do this to myself every fucking time?

Sure, I'll be your ____. Sure I'll let you borrow/have _____.

Sure.

Okay.

Fine.

Why not?

As long as it helps you...

WHY DO I GIVE SO FUCKING MUCH TO PEOPLE THAT DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO ME?

Because I'm an idiot. I always feel like a fool when I give to people. Always. No matter what. And I have the terrible habit of giving to people that can't/won't ever give to me what I give to them. Been there all my life.

What's the point in kindness in the first place? It never gets me anything but an empty stomach, headache, heartache and misunderstanding. I'm speaking purely from emotions. I'm sure I know better than this, but I don't care right now.

It seems that I keep forgetting that I have to take care of me, too. Constantly forgetting this. I forget this one lesson so much, it should be considered a superpower. It seems to be the one thing life also enjoys throwing in my face: I am alone and if I don't take care of myself, no one will have my back. It doesn't matter how I feel about it, that's how it is. If I ask for money to borrow anything, I'm just out of luck. I pick up slack for rent and utilities for months and I ask for nothing except a clean kitchen and a litter box. I wish I knew I had even one person that would be there for me on that level. Not "I would be, but I can't" or "I want to be, but..." I want a person that puts themselves out in whatever way they can the same way I do even if it means they can't eat that day. Why? Because I do that.

You know what, though: I won't ever have that in my life. It's too much to anyone else and I'm stupid for doing it myself in the first place. I'm just angry at myself -- and wildly so -- for wasting my kindness on the people I've wasted it on. I remember the smiles, the platitudes, the words whispered at varying spiritual/emotional heights only to have them forgotten moments later and not even so much as remembered again. Why am I always the one that remembers? The one that does.

I want you to note this well if you are reading this: fuck that shit. Fuck all of that shit. Wasting time. Wasting kindness. Wasting resources on things, places, and people that can't respect anything I'm about. Fuck that shit. I'm taking things back and I'm not giving them for a while. People trying to fuck me over, fuck them. I'm done with it all for a while. Maybe I'll be this nice, self-sacrificial person for the world at large, but for now, I'm only sticking to the people that have actually made any real effort to actually love me back. Fuck the world otherwise. I don't care who you belong to.

God, help me in my anger. No one is safe if you don't.