...as of late...

I really have taken my advice to Anna to heart: be a bitch. I'm not sugarcoating that, because that's how it is. I asked and I talked and I wrote and nothing at all happened until just a couple of days ago. After being completely ignored for some time by a number of people and a few in particular, I simply learned to enjoy things other than you. I haven't completely let go of you and I am sure of this because I still feel something when I think about you.

I'm getting better with that.

Hey Quis: wanna watch the 2 new episodes of heroes online tonite? (& maybe smallville...) I'll b doin my dishes, but other than that, not much planned...Well, okay. Actually, I had something I planned to do. I had tried to get in contact to confirm the meetup, but hadn't reached them so I was not sure of how that would go.

Well, okay. Actually, I had something I planned to do. I had tried to get in contact to confirm the meetup, but hadn't reached them so I was not sure of how that would go.

I indicated that with this sentence:

not sure. i had something planned for tonight.

To which I was hit up with:

Had? Interesting tense

Hardly able to counter such utter nonsense, I threw up a final defense:

i suppose.

He at least tried to explain the reason for this craziness:

So i should just be confused instead of making plans...? (all this posted here cause ur phone doesnt seem to b responding...)

Are you serious? You know, up to this point, I was starting to feel the slightest twinge of... not guilt, but something like "It's a shame I can't be with him. It seems like it would be cool..." But that last sentence just sent me back a whole ten steps from that. Mind you, it's not like I didn't see this coming. For crying out loud, I wrote a thing or two about it. It's just as I've told myself time and time again: these things don't work. Frustrations and tensions have been building for a while now and they've finally come to a head I guess. I almost said, "Do what you want..." but went with:

Phone works. Text sent. Later.

By the way, the dishes never got done.

Sometime ago, we sat and talked. You were telling me about how I did this thing and that and that I always behaved the same. I told you that you shouldn't depend on things always being the same. That if certain things continued, you would see changes.

I warned you not to ignore me. I told you one day I would be gone. I told you that you were the immortal one and that Castor was not.

I warned you, but you didn't listen. No one did. I've told you all that at one point there would come a time when I would be so changed that no one would be able to recognize me. That the darker parts of me would be plainly visible and that I wouldn't have the capacity to care anymore. There are a few people left in the world with a strong enough relationship to call forth that light in me anymore. I could name them all, but they know who they are.

The fact remains: I warned you. I told you that one day you might expect me to be here and I wouldn't be and now that day is nearer than it ever has been. If you walk away now, you may. All of you may. I won't bear you any ill will, but don't expect me to be here when everything is going wrong around you and you want me to be there just as you always expect me to be (and I always am) with arms open in compassion to rescue and hold you.

I'm not an option and you aren't a priority. Not anymore. I'm not going to make anyone a priority when I have a reason to believe I'm an option. I treat people too well when I make them a priority to make them one unless they earn it. Honestly, I've just burned myself (it seems) and been burned by others and trying to fix that is going to alienate the hell out of some people until I get this sorted out. There are a few exceptions, but...