I don't want you gone I just can't be THAT close to you right now because your words hurt me and at this point in my life I'm just not strong enough to handle that. I've spent a lot of time over the past few days trying to figure out who I'm mad at, you for not believing in me or me for not being one who deserves belief. I've been trying to figure out if I am scared that you were right about every negative thing you've said/implied about me or if I'm scared that you were wrong and were just going to keep hurting me. I don't have those answers.
What I do have is that picture in my head of the man I want to spend my life with and if I had been honest with myuself from the beginning then I wouldn't have let you believe that was you. It was at one point in time, you were all I wanted and I think that's why I've kept holding on, wanting something I've never been able to have. But now it's different and I had hoped months ago that if you had invited me into the romantic part of your life again then I would have been able to refuse but until I have someone that's perfect for me (with the right flaws of course) then I'm not sure I'll be able to stop wanting you.
I'm sorry I hurt you, that was never my intention. I'm going through the most difficult time in my life right now and I just can't handle feeling as though you are one of the many telling me everything I'm doing wrong. It hurt to bad, especially coming from you.
I think we have too much history to make anything work in the romantic department. We have too much hurt and too many scars. It would be nearly impossible for us to find total healing and to completely forget and start over, even if we had both changed so drastically.
I'm glad you are finding the will to move on, not that I believe you were THAT hurt that it would prevent you but I'm glad you can see yourself with others now instead of with me. I hope I can truly find the same...and hopefully soon. It's gonna suck for sure because I'm sure you'll find real love before me and then I'll feel uneasy coming around because you'll be taken and I'll still be hung up on you.
But for now know that I wasn't trying to erase you from my life, I was just trying to make it where you weren't the primary thing I saw. I'd see your statuses and your pictures and your blogs and it felt as though someone were stabbing me in my heart. Not your fault that's just how I felt. I needed to get away from that for a while because I really need to remember how to be your friend.
I don't know exactly why I reacted so badly to seeing you the other day, perhaps it was because we hadn't spoken in anything other than anger in the days previous, perhaps it was because you had been significanly late for two days in a row, perhaps I felt as though you were trying to prove something by coming to my place with smiles when I had been so uncomfortable at yours. I think I was in part scared that you were going to turn into the old you that would disregard what he wanted from then on just to give me what I wanted. I hate it when that happens, and I hate the though that you would choose to be without me simply because I couldn't handle doing things your way. I wanted an even trade. But none of that matters now I suppose.
Like I said, now I need to remember how to be your friend. It's not a start over or a break up (since we weren't really together...we both have to keep reminding me of that) but more of a rewind. I'm asking you now if you will be willing to teach me. Will you teach me how to be your friend? A good friend?
My life is open to you. My home is open to you...with more warmth the next time you return...if you return. I'll go anywhere with you for a few hours at a time and if I can't be content to entertain myself with the many options you lay out for me then I'll keep my mouth shut. You really did try. Thank you for that. You can call me or email me anytime you'd like. I still have unlimited texts and more minutes on my phone plan than we'll ever be able to use in a month. I miss you very much.
Dani
P.S. I'm sorry to cut our game short. I will miss it's possibilities. Thank you for letting me win
I replied.
Hm. Well, there's a lot of things that I read here and will probably
comment on :)
P1: I can understand that completely. I really can.
P2: There's no reason not to be honest with yourself around me. If you
can't do that much, then we were in trouble anyway. I didn't lie to
myself about you. I hope you do find someone that is wonderful and
complements you in every way. Sucks that I can't be that guy, but I'll
be okay. What is more important to me is that you learn to be
comfortable with yourself.
P3: I suppose I could say the same things. We're both going through
difficult times. Ultimately, though, you didn't hurt me as much as you
taught me.
P4: About this, this is probably going to be the most painful part of
this email, but here goes: all of that sounds like excuses. It really
does. As for finding total healing, if we had decided to stick things
out, I know I could have found that. When you want something, you have
to work at it. This or any other relationship. You fight and fall down
and you get up and get over it. That's how that works. That will be
true no matter who you end up with. If you don't want to deal with the
hurt and the scars, then that is fine. You don't have to, but save
words like "can't" for things that are actually impossible to do.
P5: I hope you find what you are looking for. As you have warned me
before, making assumptions about the depth of someone's feelings is
bad.
P6: I understand that.
P7: Who knows, I guess. I really would have given or done anything you
wanted at that time without a second thought. That's what it seemed
that you wanted. As you said though, it doesn't matter.
P8: I'll attempt if you listen. That's the first and most important
thing about being a friend.
P9: The if isn't a question; your mom and donnie welcomed me and even
if you had hated me for life, I would have come by to visit because I
like them. Thanks for recognizing my effort. I have unlimited texts
now as well, so bombard me anytime you'd like with whatever you'd like
and we can make things happen.
PS: That's just funny. Who made that rule? :P
It's just one of those things that you feel fine with I guess. It actually makes this kind of feeling a fair bit sweeter. I harbor and will not harbor ill feelings about it; it was what it was and is what it is and will be what it will be.
Aside from that, I'm still quite happy with the conversation I had last night. Two hours passed without me being aware of it and that doesn't happen a lot. I loved every minute of that time, too. Could have kept going except for the fact that I thought that sleeping before sunrise would be a good idea. I have my own ideas about what half of that conversation had running around it, but I loved talking. He'd better come down and visit me or I'll have to choke him.
...and I am not watching The Color Purple for any reason... :P
It should be fun getting (and keeping) up-to-date with each other. Honestly -- really honestly... well, I'll let you guess :3 Love ya much, mister guy.
David hung out here after the game last night. That was fun for sure. Just talking (mind you, it was on a topic of differing opinion). I guess last night was my night for reconnecting and such.
On another topic, I had one of my more intuitive streaks. I sat down and thought that I should call my mom; had a feeling she was trying to reach me for something. I picked up my phone and called only to find out my sister is now in the hospital with kidney problems, a hernia, and so many blood clots that they have left her on blood thinners for a while. >_<>
RM was here today and played video games in the room. It seems with school and not working at the moment, he has lots of free time and very few options for where to spend that time. I guess I've just settled for being an option and have disciplined myself not to insist on more than what I'm given; truth be known, I feel that I'm starting to refuse even when things are offered. I just don't see the point in allowing something in me to swell up thinking that things will ever return back to normal. They never will be that way again and even if they were, it's just setting myself up for hurt when this process restarts. Don't feel like dealing with that, so I'll speak. I'll share. Heck, I'm starting to even be open again, but I'll never let loose of so intense a love as I did before ever again...
...at least not until I'm sure.
I hope (and at the same time, know) that C is okay. She's taken a pretty rough blow, but I think she'll power through it. She knows where to find all the power she needs when she looks. It's been nice catching up with her, too :).
Finally, I love J. Her perspective on things, in spite of our religious differences, is wonderfully refreshing. I love all the time I spend sharing with her and talking. It's wonderful.
The truth isn't this abstract, far away, subjective thing. It's in front of you. It [will not] demand your attention because it doesn't need to be recognized by you. In fact, truth does [you] a favor by allowing itself to be recognized. Seriously, God is trying to help you and you plug your ears, tie a blindfold so tight around your eyes that it could be a tourniquet, then wonder what the hell is going on? WAKE UP!
No comments:
Post a Comment