ochita

Today is the last day of January and most of the things that I have to write about in reflection of this month are mostly negative. This was a month that started in reflection and ended in bitter realizations.

A lot has happened this month. I've joined websites, dropped blog subscriptions, lost a job, got a job, and I've had to fight the whole way through. Lately, things just aren't well. I fight with a friend every day for so many reasons it is ridiculous:

• not responding to IMs within so many seconds of writing. even if i explain the reason why, it's not enough.
• not picking up my phone. i apologize for not hanging by my cell phone every moment and answering every call. i'm sorry for not responding to every text. i'm sorry that, if a person is in my presence physically, that phone calls to ask "What I'm doing" take a backseat to helping the person in front of me. You are more than welcome, however, to avail yourself of my voicemail and leave a message. I usually return them.
• being emotional. It is a well-documented fact that I am. I am now. I will be tomorrow and the next day.
• Erik. I have warned you all about him. If you run into him, just leave him alone. This is the last time I'm warning anyone about him or apologizing for what he does.

There's more, but that's what this post is for: explaining my month. In this month, I joined a site called WooMe as a result of following a sidebar ad from Omegle. In the process, I have met new people and made a few friends. Like anywhere else on the net, it has the occasional crazy person. This fact is amplified by the fact that it is a speed-dating site (found this out a week and a half ater). This makes things funny when people message me and I'm like "Oh, not interested, thanks. I'm here looking for friends." This has made for quite a few disappointed people over time. So far, my favorite reactions are, "You want to be my friend? Like, actually be my friend and not try to sex cam me? I'm .... speechless, actually...."

I really do love that.

In the meantime, I look at the relationships around me. There are a few that are prominent at this point in time and each one could easily be talked about in its turn, but maybe later. For now, I want to talk about the things I will start to shed in the next 24 hours. I'm in the midst of relationships and realize that I'm tired. I'm tired of arguing with and spending energy and time on people that don't trust me, don't believe a word I say, are harshly critical or sharply judgmental of everything I do/say/am, can't make up their mind about whether they want to love/like/hate me.

I have had to fight with people constantly day after day about the same things, same behaviors, same petty crap. Tired of you badgering me and saying things like I'm mad at you or I hate you. I mean, I thought part of friendship was considering the other person's feelings as well, but you never consider how I will feel as long as I entertain you. I'm tired of that. I warn them that I'm not going to argue with them and then I don't. Now they are in a tailspin trying to get me to pay attention and try to fix things, but you know what? I'm done. As far as being emotionally invested in it, you would get a warmer reaction from a desk clerk at the IRS.

You know there is a warmer side to me, but there is the also the cooler side of me. The part of me that is detached from all of this. Maybe that should be a little more visible. I'm so glad that I'm changing themes tomorrow. Most of this will be cut from my life by the end of that month and for that I will be unendingly grateful. Not that I need it though; some of my goodbyes were silently said in a whisper of the night long ago.