sex and sexuality: the tip of a tall berg

So my friend and I were talking the other day and she asked me a question:

Sometimes I ask the people in my life to give me a glimpse of myself...a view and perspective that I cannot see. If you were describing me to another person, what would you say. And be objective. please

I asked her to give me a day to think about it and we talk for a bit about my own feelings about thinking before speaking, especially when it is about my thoughts on another person.

be slow to speak means be slow to speak

She took the time to explain that she wanted more of a knee-jerk reaction, so I gave her the following:

smart, talented, gives me a reason not to hate girls, well-spoken, very much one to get lost somewhere between her mind and her emotions, loving, really would do anything for you, can be ghetto when you take it to that level, but cool most of the time

Going on, she notes the fact that I said gives me a reason not to hate girls and admits that this piques her curiosity. The conversation after that was pretty interesting (and very incomplete). If you're interested, enjoy the read.

people follow patterns and i've been asked many times why i'm not in a relationship with a girl and when i look at what i've experienced and seen, i don't see many places to hope. you are a rare oasis. even your most dramatic moments have reasons i can easily follow.

Well thank you. I wish you could transfer some of that thinking into ***** mind

he's the same reason why people like you could easily feel about guys the way i do about girls

true dat

it just seems hopeless. like "even if i did, there are too many things in the way to even keep me from LIKING a girl in general let alone enough of one to get me to the I WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU mode."

things in the way like what?

wrapped up in sex, material or just affection issues.

you know what. I just looked at your facebook page and totally did not know that you were "out"

what? I'm not gay lol. that's a prank my friend pulled. look at the anniversary date.

lol...well your page sways you are...ROFL

it's april fool's day

and you haven't changed it because why?

he wanted to leave it there until someone reacted to it and i don't get on facebook enough to actually change the status

ha

I use another program to update it.

so no one has mentioned it?

not one

wow. interesting.

my guess: lack of surprise or attention to detail. makes sense either way.

probably. how do you feel about the "lack of surprise" part?

I don't care. been at that stage for years.

I see. so where are you on that. Between not being gay and almost hating girls...where does that leave you?

where I am. I could still see being married to one.

ok

but it's finding a girl -- or anyone actually -- that has the same or even similar ideas of relationship that would be the defining point.

what are your ideas or relationship?

and honestly i'm to the point that i don't care about that either way either. i am who i am without apologies. if me trying to understand myself leads to the discovery that i'm gay, o well. being blunt, i'm sure i've fucked up plenty of other things, too, so i'll just add that to the list.

you must be your authentic self. A definite mantra of mine

it's not even that. it's "well are you gay or str8 or bi?" i mean, i don't know. i really don't. i haven't had experience enough -- haven't collected enough info -- to know for sure and i refuse to make a decision without knowing what i need to know to make a statement like that. i identify as straight, yeah, but i haven't considered anything else; you're told it's wrong when you're a guy, black, in a housing authority project, and when you're a christian too, but i don't need answers from the outside -- they don't sustain me; i need answers from the inside. what are you thinkin?

At this point, I'm thinking through the same thoughts about this I've had a million times. It's never any easier and it's never any less true. I continue.

i'm sorry...hold on. phone rang sorry.

ok

I understand what you're saying, probably on a more superficial level, but I do understand. I can't relate to the "not knowing". I very distinctly feel heterosexual so I can't really relate to the uncertainty. For me it isn't a consideration. I don't feel like I could consider to be a lesbian. I could act like one but what I feel and my orientation are pretty much what they are. I do, however, understand your point.

well, let me ask: whether desired or not, how long did it take for you to develop that thought process.

thinking heterosexually?

or about sex at all. i'm thinking of a way to explain to you where the uncertainty comes from. ....?

Sorry again. I'm back. trying to get ready to go somehwere, but I am here

okay it's cool. would this be a convo better suited for a later time? it's pretty intense.

well, I have always felt heterosexual. Even as a little girl I liked little boys. I started having an attraction for little boys in elementary school - not sexually, but I liked them. Sexually didn't really become an issue until I had sex. But my desire was always for boys. Now that I've been sexually active, I still desire boys. I had that time [...], but that was about something else.

the thing for me is (and try to imagine this) it wasn't a thought for me until I turned 26. 2.....6.....

what wasn't a thought. The sexual part or the romantic interest part?

i didn't have time to even consider that part of my life. I was too busy being older brother, dad, trying to support my mom, going to college, being the example for everyone to follow. and so the idea of sex was just avoided. the idea of having a gf was cool. i could get one and get married at some point. didn't work out well as i ran into very impatient girls who had already come through the hormones and everything else and were ready for action. I hadn't developed in that way much at all. and now that I'm out of school, on my own, with a 9-5, i have plenty of time to think about things like that especially when every other person is talking about it and they talk about "how would you feel if a girl were naked in your room". before now, it would have been "put some clothes on. that's awkward" that's something a child would say. as an adult, i don't know. or "you wanna watch porn" i just got past the "what is that and why would you watch it" point. i still don't want to but you get the idea. all of this stuff is new to me and when i say new, i mean NEW. and in this whole "new territory" i have str8, gay and bi friends all giving me their input about sex and sexuality and all of this and it's a lot of info. i have a lot to think about and in a relatively compressed time period. i don't want to be a manwhore, but i need time to explore just like everyone else.

to make this more complex, i don't want to explore the way others do. i can't handle the concept of a casual date; i approach everything as long term, so i'm still asking questions like "what does it mean to be nked in front of a person" or "what does it mean to say i love someone" or "why isn't it okay that i have so many questions and that i'm not ready for all of this?" no one else i know has these questions and from what i hear, most people, like you, never really have, so I'm very much alone in that way.

well,. I think people had those questions, but just earlier. Or maybe in a more subconscious way. I am sorry Marquis, but I guess we should continue this at a later time. I really do have to run. I know you feel like you dumped all this and now I'm running, but I didn't realize how much time it was gonna take to get ready and how little time I had

it's all good. text me when you can talk.

ok. thanks. I will get in touch with you tonight if I don't get back too late. I just found out that the "party" I'm going to, which I thought was a club type thing, is actually a semi-formal event...geesh

ah

yeah. SO I will ttyl. I love you and am very interested in talking about this with you. So laters :-)

ok :)

It's things like this that make life hard at times. "Why aren't you dating?" Well, why should I? When I was younger, I played by myself because they boy games (at the time) didn't interest me and being with the girls was too awkward, so from 1 - 5 grade, I played by myself or talked to my teachers. I learned to see girls as not very much different in any way from boys. Feelings about them were the same and they remain so to this day.

I ran into a couple that piqued my interest and I dated them for 3 months and six years, respectively. I'm not dating them now, so back to square one and in that square is a ton of "do I even want that....?" questions that I can't answer on my own and can't get anyone to help with. Mostly because no one understands my feelings. No one reading this blog would (more than likely) because all of you are pretty defined in who you are sexually and what you want. I haven't gotten there yet. I just identify as straight and behave accordingly out of habit. Just like not drinking, smoking, or having promiscuous sex. Most of that is purely driven by habit -- I haven't done it so I continue not to do it. Add my own personal quirks and you have a ton of questions with no outlet or way to seek answers in a safe environment -- this world is NOT safe...

Oh well, I'm fine being single mostly. I just like lots of hugs and cuddles.