As for anger yesterday, I retract that statement. I wasn't angry, but it felt like anger. I was hurt. There is a big difference and I'm not ashamed to tell you what every guy is going to lie to you about. Behind our pretend, we have feelings and because it is hard for most guys to show feelings, the affection we give, we fiercely protect. That said, if you hurt those feelings, we attack hard and will do whatever we can to hurt you back.
I won't be like that. I won't lie. I was hurt. I spent the rest of the afternoon in utter silence. My bosses became uneasy. I couldn't think about anything else but losing this friend I didn't want to lose. All day. I have a ton of their stuff at my house. Pondered taking it back to their house while they were at work.
When I got home, I cleaned my room. I talked in hushed tones. I avoided contact with anyone but a friend that had come over. I turned off my computer and didn't bother my phone. I was an absolute mess.
5:45..... 6:30..... it was workout time (between 6-10p everyday). I didn't know how I could even lift the weight when even the thought of breathing was a task. I looked at my friend. He asked what was on my mind. I couldn't even speak, but he knew. I got some headphones and listened to "I believe" by simian mobile disco.
I picked up weights and did lunges, then situps, then flutterkicks. My friend noticed what I was trying to do and helped me do punching drills for a while. I didn't feel 100%, but it got me out of zombie mode for a while, so I used that opportunity to talk about my feelings on the subject and he talked to me to try to calm me down a bit ("It's not that bad. Sometimes, he's just impatient about things...")
To sum up: he's upset because of a missed training day. I promised a friend I would ride with him out of town to take a friend home because he was tired and wasn't sure he could make the drive home alone. Rickey had come over, but I didn't know he wanted to train. We normally train on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, but lately he's missed a couple of training days because he's had to rest from working out on other days, so I didn't think anything of it when he said, "Hey I want to come over for a bit..." He does that all the time. If he had told me he wanted to train, I would have dropped everything to do it and he knows that. I guess that doesn't matter.
I told him I wanted to train today and asked him how his day at work was. He came over last night (for something else) and talked a bit and watched a movie (Transporter 2) with us (James, Brett, Q and I) and just chilled. Didn't say much except that he was training hard earlier that day, so he wouldn't be training that night (when he arrived no less....as opposed to beforehand) as he was sore all over.
I guess things will get back to normal, but it will probably take forever and it seems that the wrong thing at the right time will reset the friendship completely. Q says he is going to let things just go, but it's never that way. People don't forgive that easily. I wish they did, but in all honesty, it's never the same. Not for a while.
How will I handle that? I guess I'll just keep working out and training. Even if I have to do it on my own.
:: happier news ::
I wrote Reza a message and he wrote back. I love him to pieces. I really do. It was some small message only he and I know and I love that part of friendship. Anna commented on my last blog and I didn't even know she reads this thing. Always more than you would guess, I suppose. Speaking of that, she, John and I have a date for waffles soon I think. It may have to wait until after my trip, though.
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