being gay. being hurt.

I think I will talk about the hard part first.



Today, at the office, I heard "Mama" cry. Among my friends, very few things ever escape my notice. Tears most especially. She cried today because our CEO was being a jerk and accused her of doing something she didn't do. I won't get into the details of what, but it hurt her to the core and she cried. Not a few silent tears. She cried. She hurt...



...and now I rage. I have had nothing but violence filling my mind for the last two hours and restraining myself is harder than it has ever been. On the outside, I look depressed or sullen. On the inside, I dream of punching someone in the face repeatedly and mercilessly until all of the adrenaline passes out of my system. I can't even focus on the server test work I am supposed to be doing because I can't think about anything else. Not even my work.



Everyone here works very hard to do as much as they can for this man and all he does is call and talk down to people and trample their feelings and hard work and I am pissed enough that if it happens again, regardless of how much I like this job or my concerns about obtaining another one, I will walk out of this office and I won't even think of looking back.



I'm tired of seeing people hurt.

I'm tired of hurting.

I'm just tired.





On the topic of being gay: my friend Gary is gay. That's him all day and I love him. I am probably going to be his roommate again soon. I talked to my mom to tell her I was moving and he came up. She knows he's gay. She's a Christian (well, she's working at it and doing good so far). That said, the Bible says being gay is a sin (spare the arguments for a while, I'm just talking here, not making a critical analysis of whether God loves you or not) -- no questions, no bones about it.



So that said, this topic gets sensitive. Never heated (I'm too good at diffusing heated topics for it to get volatile and too even-tempered to be drawn into explosive arguments), but sensitive. I have gay friends and I spend time with them. A lot of time. Any time they want to hang out. We have sleepovers and watch movies and get food and go shopping at malls together and I don't even think of treating them differently than I would anyone else. Never have.



My mom thinks I should. She and I talked about this. She thinks that it is okay for me to have gay friends, but that I shouldn't spend as much time with them as I would with my straight friends because the Bible says it is wrong for a man to be with another man in the same way a man is with a woman (Leviticus 18:22 for those unaware).



Mind you, I know what the Bible contains as I spent four years reading and analyzing, but I took the time to pose a question: what makes that more wrong than anything else? My mom paused, so I explained it this way:



I have a roommate that is legally married, but sleeps with other women on a regular basis. One of those women is engaged. He is not married to any of these girls he sleeps with and has no intention of being so.



My mom replies, "...but that's different..." to which I respond as follows:



Wrong is wrong. What makes him sleeping with all of these women any different than a man sleeping with a man other than gender? Nothing. Nothing at all. If it is wrong, then it's all wrong for both of them. I don't say anything to the man sleeping with all of these women and as long as my roommate respects me enough to not have sex everywhere in the house, then he is free to sleep with whomever or date whomever. I have no problem with who he is or what he does. I am no one to say anything to him at all.



She let the conversation go at that. How do I feel about it? I just want respect. I don't like the idea of people sleeping together outside of wedlock, but it happens all around me. Keep it to yourself and don't wake me up banging your headboard against the wall and we'll be fine. Don't smoke your weed at my house and I'll have no problems. People have to live their lives. I try to be a positive influence, but I cannot control people and I don't have the authority to mark someone as sinner or saint; I am not the standard by which those things are measured anyway. Mind you, if I see obvious wrong, then I point it out, but to me, it is wrong to sleep with someone outside of wedlock regardless of gender. Aside from that, love is love.


Maybe I am too open of a mind.