r u kddn me?

As those I've spoken to know, I do like to read CL from time to time. All the sections, actually. Because of my gay friends, I have come to enjoy reading the m4m section a lot more. I used to think it was a section for just guys to post and potentially not just about sex. I have since been proven wrong about my idea, but occasionally, I'll visit the section and run into a post to which I reply. Usually, they are people just looking for a friend or someone to talk to. I can't turn myself away from these, so I respond.

Today was one of those days where I thought, "Wow really?!" after a reply I've gotten to one of my replies. Let's read the original post (will disappear after so many days and break the link, btw):

So it’s the New Year and one of my resolutions is to expand my social life. So here I go. I’m a white masculine gay guy who’s in the closet, but also in a gay relationship. It sounds complicated, but it’s really not. Obviously I’m a little cautious about who I reveal myself to because of my status, but that’s not to say that I want to be completely anonymous in my private life. I’m the type of guy that you wouldn’t know was gay until you were told. It’s not an act; it’s just the way I am. My partner and I live in a nice home just outside the West side of Athens. He’s 21 and attends UGA and I’m a few years older and work full time. We both come from upper middle class upbringings and are pretty laid back, intelligent, and fun loving guys. He’s more of an indoor guy whereas I’m more of an outdoors man.

I’m hoping to meet gay, bi, or at least gay/bi friendly people between ages 18-32 who are fun loving, intelligent, trustworthy, well rounded, law abiding, and interesting individuals. I know there are others like me out there who want to meet up with other normal acting, down to earth gay guys that aren’t looking for anything other than friendship. So don’t be shy. If you’re in the closet, Bi, or just nervous about exposing yourself, then no worries because I’m also in the closet and you can rest assured your secret is safe with me. If this sounds like something you’re interested in then drop me a line and let’s see where this goes.

DON’T RESPOND IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR SEX, STATS, PICTURES, OR ANTHING ELSE OTHER THAN FRIENDSHIP!

After a moment of thought, I wrote back. These are the kinds of things I reply to just because someone looking for a friend always draws me. I wrote the following in response:

sounds interesting, i must admit. you may be the first person on CL that is looking for just friends. i do hope you find that one. i may be one of the only few real people that responds to this ad. if so, i'm sorry. CL m4m is a sucky place to try to find what you posted.on the other hand, having a straight guy read and respond to your post is likewise uncommon, right?-- syn

Well, the next day, I got this message back:

LOL! Something tells me that you aren't so straight if you're searching through the gay section of craigslist. You may be bi, but not 100% straight. Either way I do have to agree with you. I know this section is a pit of sexual crazed deviates, but I figured there had to be a few good people out there who might happen upon the ad. It's a lot like fishing, reel it in and then decide whether to keep it or throw it back. You responded to my ad, which leads me to believe you were a little intrigued so tell me a little about yourself.

J.P.

While I understand there aren't many people like me in the world (I guess), I don't see how this has anything to do with my response. \Something tells me that you aren't so straight if you're searching through the gay section of craigslist. You may be bi, but not 100% straight. Why not? Why can't I be a straight guy that reads the m4m section. Yes, most of the time, gay people post to it, but they aren't the only ones that do (even if they are a decided majority). Even if they were, why does it seem that every gay/bi person assumes that a straight guy can't just be open-minded or interested in other people, cultures, or lifestyles that are different from their own?

This frustrates me greatly. Even if I were, what does that have to do with anything? You posted for a friend and here I am. The labels that were slapped on me in such a hurry leave me angered. I mean really. I don't mind labels -- they are good for things -- but I think that labels are things you apply only when you know the contents. To assume that I am gay because I did something is just as stupid as assuming that someone is heterosexual because they respond to the m4w section or watch straight porn.

I've gotten a couple of other emails. I think I'll just post them. Here's one:

JP --Well, you asked so okay. I live in Athens, and I like to read. I am amused at your logic that straight people don't read the m4m section. The logic being that a normal, straight guy wouldn't read it. Apparently this is a definition for straight that I haven't come across yet. In fact, I had a gay friend that pointed this section out to me, so I check every now and then for posts like this one. As an aside, I thought gay people avoided labels (mostly) and just wanted to be seen as people, so that's how I try to see them.......I wasn't wrong, was I?As an individual, I'm fairly open to anyone -- although admittedly I'm often misunderstood or mistaken like the current case -- and I love the people I meet and things I learn because of it. I'm 27, love reading, writing, drawing, singing, foreign languages, and photography. I'm a kid at heart and I love nature, too.-- syn

To which he responded:

Syn,

Lets just say that you are most certainly not the typical straight male. I feel qualified to make this statement because I was raised and work in a very masculine male dominated environment. There are always exceptions to the rules, but it is my belief that most any man who is browsing through the m4m section is either gay, bi, or curious about having a same sex encounter. That's not to say you aren't straight and I will have to apologize for being so blunt as to accuse you otherwise. However, I do not know a single straight man who would find anything at all entertaining or interesting about reading personal ads about men seeking other men.

As for gay people not wanting to be labeled, I don't know. I have always been in the closet and never associated with the "gay community". But if you read through the M4M section very much it seems to me that they are very good at labeling themselves and others. As for wanting acceptance, of course we want to be understood and accepted.

In this day and time the societal way of thinking is that it is bad to label anything. I dissagree. Labels don't make things bad they simply allow you to know what you are dealing with. It is ignorance, hatered, and an unwillingness to accept others that causes the problems.

I appreciate the fact that you accept people for who they are. There is certainly nothing wrong with that. Sound like we may share some similar interest. So did you move here for school or are you from this area.

J.P.

My current response was:

I'm from the area. I actually don't mind labels for the most part -- only a few and even then only when they are used for pre-judgments. In any case, we're coming to an understanding and that's the fun part of the adventure. As for the labeling in that section, you have a strong point. A very strong one -_-
It's not your bluntness I mind -- actually, I value honesty greatly.
As for my being here, I moved here when I was 10 and, with the occasional exception here and there, I've been here for the last 17 years.
How about yourself?
-- syn

I really don't mind the label, as I mentioned earlier, but it's things like this... You know, as I've understood, the gay community feels like a bunch of pre-judged, downtrodden people. For people that are like this, you would think that they would have been taught the lessons of fundamental, pervasive compassion for everyone, but instead they can be some of the most judgmental people I have ever met. I don't understand that. I feel more excluded from any group than anyone -- gay people that have been rejected by their whole family still find more acceptance than me.Maybe this is just what I should expect for a while, but I wish I didn't have to. Oh well, this isn't my home anyway.