a wish on a wand

I wish I were normal. There, I said it.

I wish I were normal. Stereotypical, normal, everyday, common, average, cars-beer-girls-football type of guy. I don't always wish this. I don't often wish this.

I wish it today.

All my life has been a struggle in that way. I've fought this since I was ten. I liked the wind, watching leaves in the wind, reading my encyclopedia and the occasional video game. Girls didn't catch my interest really. I had a large vocabulary and that included an emotional vocabulary. Apparently I missed a few memos:

1. Guys don't experience emotions in the way I did. Mine were too complex and thorough and specific and well-articulated. Only girls felt emotions in the way I did. I was a boy.
2. Guys don't stare at the sky and trees. They don't jump rope either. They play things like football or baseball.

Because of the first one more than anything, I got a piece of construction paper and five sheets of printing paper, stapled them together, and made my first journal. My handwriting was entirely too neat to be manly.

Middle school and high school came along. Along with the items above, there were a few other memos I found stuck to my desk that I also missed:

1. I should be girl crazy. I wasn't really. I did date in high school. The first relationship was three months or so. The second was six years. It wasn't physical attraction that formed those relationships. If you want to know what I look for, I'll post that another time.
2. I should like sports more. I didn't. Never was a fan of watching them on TV. Got around to liking football and a few other sports, but that was when I played them. Watching them on TV put me to sleep. Give me the real stuff.
3. I should like normal music. I am a black male and I loved Tchaikovsky. Who was T.I.? Yeah, I was an anomaly. I even liked Spice Girls.
4. I should like cars, beer and pot. Never got into that and never was one for giving into peer pressure ever, so that was out.

I'm still very much like that. Emotionally, I'm a complex individual with an even larger vocabulary than even most girls I know. Mentally... it's like being on another planet sometimes. I'm still not crazy about cars or beer or drugs or girls (or guys) either -- I don't think about people on a physical plane (again, this is another entry).

Trying to explain how much this hurts is like trying to ask for help when you haven't even heard the word "help" before. When the problem is physical, it's easy to get this stuff. If something is on fire, you can point at it; things don't normally burn. If my tire is flat, it is apparent what needs to be done in order to solve the problem. However, when the problems are internal, I am at an impasse. Words often get in the way when your heart hurts.

I feel like I'm on an island. From far away it looks so nice. People admire it from time to time. I am the only person that lives there. I have a phone. I call out, people pick up, we talk, but no one understands this place I live in and no one has any idea how to get to my island even though it is easily visible. It's far away. I have a small boat that comes by every now and then, but it can only come to a point one mile off the coast and no further.

It sucks. Everyone (in America) rants about how they want to be unique, special and individual. Before you say, "Well, Syn, everyone is special and unique..." there is a great deal of difference between having a daisy in a field of sunflowers and a black orchid in a field of sunflowers. I listen to all of these people -- the same people that wear shirts that say 'You laugh because I'm different; I laugh because you are all the same' -- saying things and doing things to be individual and different and even these people think I'm weird and think I should 'be more... you know... chill...'

... it's such a burden. To have what people say they want until they have that gift. I'm unique in a way that piercings, tattoos, sexual orientation and even superhuman powers can't begin to compare to. I will list them and of course you will say "You aren't the only one..." but find me someone near me like that. Just one.

Even the friends of mine that consider themselves loners have more in common with humanity than me. I have things I'm automatically excluded from and judged on because I'm american, black, male, educated, tall, whatever. I'm so tired of being alone. That is the price of uniqueness -- you spend your life behind a pane of glass. People can see you and talk to you and come close to touching you, but you never have the feeling that other people do when they can look into the eyes of someone and know that they are being understood completely. I never seem to be fully understood...

Here's some factoids that might help you get me:

1. Did you know that I'm not attracted to physical traits? I find them enjoyable to notice -- like eyes -- but I'm not attracted to that. I'm attracted to things like intelligence, good conversation, sharing common interests, long walks. It is easier for me to be in a relationship with someone I can connect to and over time I develop quasi-romantic feelings for people I can have quality conversation with. Physical traits are always at the end of my list. Always.
2. Did you know that the things I find romantic -- every single one of them -- are completely gender-neutral?
3. Did you know that I have never watched porn, masturbated or had sex? Did you know that I didn't even consider the subject until 26? Did you know that only recently (the last year or two) have I thought of the concept of sex as an almost desirable experience?

I've just never been like the people I'm around. Even when I worked at my recent job, I wasn't like the other people there. I worked in a place that everyone wore black and white... except me. I was the only person out of uniform. I looked completely different from every single person in the store period. The people I worked with were always nice, but I may as well have been a million miles away. Just from dress alone, there was "me" on one end and "them" over on the other and it was always that way.

I'm a social butterfly, but I crave quality conversation. Most people are okay with general topics and talk, but not me. So someone could talk to me about any and everything and then walk away happy, but I feel unsatisfied, because I want to know more about everyone's story; where they came from, how they got here, where they are going in the future, how they want to get there, how I can help...

... but that isn't what people want. They just want to sit down and chat about some girl that walked by, the VMAs, something they heard on the radio, latest [fill in the blank], go drinking at the bar, dancing at the club. You know, normal things. I want to know how you feel and if you really mean it when you say "I'm okay" or if you are just trying to avoid talking about things and why you have a hard time trusting people and what you dream of and...

It's too much and too deep I guess, but I live there. I can have all the small talk and shallow conversation and I have and I don't make people feel ill at ease, but all of that only encourages my loneliness and makes my desire for something more even more acute...

Most days, I deal with this okay, but today all I wanted to do was cry. I went to bed early just to escape for a while after talking to my very supportive roommate (and SP a bit later). I'm just barely near the okay mark right now... and even then, that is craptacular...

So wave a magic wand over my head and let me be someone that people can more easily accept. Make me not so foreign, complex, and deep. Make me normal...

... and before you say "There's no such thing as normal..." I want to remind you that I have had people in life and even as comments I have read on this blog comment about my abnormalities. For instance, my conversation with JP.