dark places on the way home

I tell many of my friends that sometimes, God allows us a moment of insanity to find both Him and ourselves.

We all suffer those moments as Christians I think; moments where we really look at the Bible, then God, then ourselves and feel... detached. We wonder if we're Christians at all. If we believe anything. It's worse than being atheist in a sense; at least an atheist is sure of his atheism.

In any case, I find myself in one of those modes. I know I'm not far from reach, but I feel far from home. I have more questions than answers about a lot of things. Secrets are starting to appear; things I couldn't tell people about me if I tried. They simply exist between myself and one or two other people and usually by connected events or what have you. Things that can never be repeated.

In a sense, maybe it's about time I had a few; now I'll know how everyone else feels. On the other hand, I hate the burden of having those things that I can't say. At the same time, I'm aware it is my own fault but we can all say that about a lot of things.

In any case, it's part of my journey and I've gotten there. Now I have to get through and when I get through this, I'll have something than may even be better than purity.

That is to say, there's something to be said about the kind of faith that has been through hell and come out. I hear it in church like this, "God's already seen you on the other side of this mess. You'll be fine..."

I, for one, believe that. I believe God is big enough to have foreseen this moment of insanity and even use it to guide me home. It is our way to wander and His to guide. We're a perfect fit I think.

This is a darker road than I have ever been on in life, but the end will be the brightest it has ever been.