worth waiting for....

Listening to Lullaby and thinking of everything that Tensei said. We've had a rather extensive conversation about the subject of my discovering myself sexually and being involved with someone on a physically intimate level.

He thinks I'm too picky because I want so much of the person I end up with. Mind you, I do want a lot, but then I'm giving a lot. I haven't masturbated, watched porn, or had pre- or extramarital sex with anyone at any time ever. Having held out for so long, the person I end up with better be worth that effort.

I'm not really into the dating scene as we see it here in the US. I don't do one-night deals/hookups. I'm worth more than that and I think the person I end up will be worth more than that, too. Even so, I care enough about people to avoid treating them like they are disposable pieces of whatever to be consumed, then discarded when I'm not interested in them anymore because they lack other qualities I think are important (empathy, passion for life, intelligence, sense of humor, connection with who i am...) for any human being to have.

I'm also not into wasting time. I'm really not. If I look at you and I don't see the potential for you and I to be together for the rest of my life, then I don't even bother approaching a romantic relationship at that point. It's not worth wasting two people's time. Also, that kind of relationship can be developed, but can't be forced. If you don't have the heart for a long-term relationship, I'm not going to try to change that; I'd sooner just find someone that does.

Maybe that will leave me lonely for the rest of my life, but then again, maybe it will find me the love of a lifetime.

what we didn't think would happen...

I would be lying if I said I didn't know this was coming; in fact, I warned you that it would several times. Since then, little by little, the excuses and nervousness have fallen to the wayside step by step, until this moment. Up until the moment that you wrote me:

I want to be with you. I want to be with my man.

These words hadn't come up before. In fact, for a time, they were avoided. I was fine with that; rather them not be said than to have them said and not be fully meant.

Your man huh? Sounds official. You ready for that?

I just deleted all the hunk photos on my iPhone because I don't need to have them anymore. And they mean nothing to me.

I love you little spoon. Can't believe you deleted all of that because of me.

I also deleted all the hunk and nude images of man from my mac, also all the related bookmark in my web browser. Yes it is official.

I should say so.

I must admit: I don't know if I'm even fully aware of what is going on, but I am acting on what I know and what I want at this moment. I look at these messages and I see a human being that I love in the truest sense of the word. It is beyond a label -- in fact, it resists being labeled. I think about them and my body responds almost immediately (and admittedly in rather uncomfortable ways). I'm thankful for you and I want to be with you and connected to you, whatever that might mean on any level that might entail.

I love you very much and thinking about that... well, you know <3

I'm not confused at all by how I feel, although slightly surprised by it... well, I was. I'm very much relaxed about it now and enjoy it in all of its mystery. I love you. I really do...

... and this will be the most epic tale ever told ;)

way to start

Starting off with my little spoon, I moved through watching more Christian & Olli and got around to seeing the vid below:

I really might cry. That and Little Spoon is sad. I don't want them to be sad, but they don't want to talk so I can't do anything about it but be there.

Still thinking about all of this and chatting. Meeting tonight and so many other things coming up this week. Tons of thoughts and even more feelings in my head. Swirling without end.

here and away

There's much going on and much to think about. Ultimately, in spite of myself, I've decided to forgive, but I will not make the process easier.

Talked to Tai's girlfriend again. "I thought I told you about talking to my boyfriend..." I simply clicked the off button. I do not know how he does it. If someone were ever that disrespectful to my friends -- even if she were my wife of five years -- I would check her immediately. I'm assuming she's the more dominant and aggressive person in that relationship. I'll not go off on her out of respect for him, but...

Things are about to be complex as B will be moving in now. She still wants to keep the cat and wants to be insistent on keeping him, but this introduces complications I don't want to deal with. The first sign of trouble I see, Pippin will be in Danielsville and everyone will just have to hate me. Used to it...

Speaking of Danielsville, I'm here with Arima-kun and Miya-chan. They're so very married and it's funny. Dae-kun is also here. I'm just chilling out with them. For the most part, that means I'm here doing things and they're doing things and we all meet up and do some things in common, but most of that time is just watching things and hanging out. It's a relaxed kind of fun. No pressure at all. We went out to get mexican food today, then came back home. I took a nap while they stepped out and woke up just before they got home.

Since then, it's been chatting with friends and such most of the day.

Talking to CJ yesterday for a while has me thinking about RM and forgiveness yet again. I suppose, ultimately, I want to believe him and forgive him and fix everything. However, I am NOT going to make this easy. Not even close. If he wants to fix things with me, he will work for it. If I make it easy, he won't learn and this must not happen again; I can't just be dropped at some random moment for weeks only to be picked up at the most convenient moment later on. Not doing it.

Talking to Momo has been cool over the last couple of days. In fact, it's been amazing.

SP and I are getting closer to each other and I enjoy that fact. RR came by my house for the first time yesterday. This was amazing. I wouldn't trade that for anything. Lots of talking and thinking and all this stuff.

I've been very uncomfortable lately... frustration... but then again... XD

Called TJ... It's a good thing I did. I need to go see him; he's not well and could use a friend for sure. I think I'll visit him a bit later this week. Give him a hug. Definitely give him a hug.

Talked to Alessio about being a roommate, but all this stupid stuff came up, so I won't have him as a roommate. I will, however, have him as a visitor. He's here in the US from Italy and likes to visit Athens. He told me he really likes it here and was going to spend a weekend in a hotel. When I know that I have a home in the same city and right next to downtown, there's no way in hell I'd dare let a friend stay in a hotel when I have a home they can rest in... Fifty bucks per night? Fuck that....

Still haven't worked yet... ugh...

raining eyes

It's been one tear after another all morning as lines from songs come to me and I attach people and emotions to them.

I know that your hiding things

Using gentle words to shelter me

Your words were like a dream

But dreams could never fool me

Not that easily

I acted so distant then

Didn't say goodbye before you left

But I was listening

You fight your battles far from me

Far too easily

"Save your tears cause I'll come back"

I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door

But still I swore

To hide the pain, when I turn back the pages

Shouting might have been the answer

What if I cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart

But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart

Though a thousand words

Have never been spoken

They'll fly to you

Crossing over the time

And distance holding you, suspended on silver wings

And a thousand words

One thousand confessions

Will cradle you

Making all of the pain you feel seem far away

They'll hold you forever

and then....

It's because I love you so much that I hurt you, that I'm so confused

Coming close to your cold cheek, my soul was born

I always want to see you right away

I love you so much I can't speak, so how will you see my kindness?

Hold me tighter, I believe in your warm heart

Farewell, solitaire, to tomorrow

Because I'm so small, I give everything, but it's not enough

This hand, which can't hide anything at all, I want to give to you

We still have to see off the white dawn

Why was I able to run across someone this important?

Holding on to these fingers that they almost hurt, I see the dream that had disappeared into sadness

Farewell, solitaire

Because I'm no longer alone, tomorrow awakens, and I'm with you

Because I have someone whom I love so much, I'm here by your side, protecting you

I'm so glad that I was born on this earth that connects me to you

This day is going to be so hard for me....

eating with a little spoon

It's my favorite thing in the world these days. I'm starting to measure time in the hours that you and I are awake versus asleep and I think in an alternate time.

You're thoughtful and sweet. I love talking to you... and texting you... and talking to you... and texting you... and definitely the cam...

I want a cam now. :P

I ♥ you, Little Spoon ^_^